Blue
by SilverArtemisKO
Summary: Who doesn't love the blue eyes of detective Kevin Ryan? Jenny does, that's for sure. And how did she fall in love with them? (Mostly missing Kevin-Jenny scenes through the seasons. Chapters can be read as oneshots.)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Hello, everyone! This is a story about our favorite blue-eyed Irish detective, as seen through the eyes of his adorable wife. This is the first chapter, it's where they first meet. The next chapters will be based on references of various Kevin Ryan moments of Castle.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

I have never been a fan of blue. I cannot give you a reason- it is just one of those things- you like it, or you don't. And you don't know why.

I do not own a single blue outfit. When I see too much blue around me, it tends to get on my nerves. And I hated _The Smurfs_.

So, no- I don't like the color blue.

Then I meet him.

We are on a blind date. Honestly, it is one I did not need to be in. I am perfectly capable of picking up my own dates, or being picked up by them, rather. But lately I have been busy. One of my friends knows someone at the New York Police Department who mentioned to her something about one of his colleagues wanting to be on a date- even a blind one, and I figured- why not?

So I go to the date, and I meet him.

The first thing I notice is how blue his eyes are.

And for once, I am not instantly reminded of how much I don't like this color.

Instead, I find it beautiful.

Then I notice he is wearing a blue shirt. A blue which almost exactly matches the shade of his eyes.

And again, I'm not resenting the fact that my date for the evening has chosen to wear the one color I do not like. Instead I find myself appreciating how much it has brought out his eyes. And then I think- any other color just would not have been this perfect.

Throughout the evening, my eyes are drawn to his again and again, and I see the changes in the blue in them as we talk about different topics.

It's a soft baby-blue when he talks about his family, it dims a little when he talks about his job which involves seeing dead bodies and arresting murderers almost every day, but then it brightens when he talks about his partners, his 'other family'. It sparkles as we discuss more and more random subjects, like which books we like to read-he loves Lord Of The Rings, when we talk about it the blue is brilliant; and what is the most stupid thing we can imagine ourselves doing- the blue is now shining with mischief and laughter.

Somehow we land on the topic of favorite color. His is maroon. When he asks mine, I look right into his eyes and say, 'Tonight, it's blue.'

My apartment is just two blocks away from the restaurant. He walks me home, and it seems like we are at my doorstep all too soon. He faces me, each of us quietly admits this is the nicest evening we have had in a while.

We are not in the brightly-lit restaurant anymore and the blue of his eyes seem darker now- almost like the green-blue of an ocean. I look into them and I know he's going to kiss me. He does. It's sweet and tentative at first, but I lean into him and make it a little deeper- just because I need to. It's over after a few moments. I secretly hope he is as sorry to break away from it as I am.

He says he's going to call me, then it's all goodbyes.

I look at the blue eyes one last time. They look like midnight.

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	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello again! First of all, thanks to the people who followed and favorited- I love you!  
This the second chapter, then. And I know I said the next chapters will be based on incidents on Castle, this chapter isn't that. I couldn't resist writing about the second date. From the third chapter, there will be Castle references.**

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Tonight is my second date with him. I came home from work early. I am dressed up, made-up and completely ready, waiting for him to pick me up.

I will never admit it to anyone, but since the goodbye every time I saw the color blue it reminded me of his eyes. I tried pushing him out of my head, than almost against my will decided that I liked him there.

The doorbell rings. I open the door. It is him.

He smiles as he says 'hi'. My mouth curves with my own smile effortlessly.

He's looks nice in a white t-shirt and a pair of jeans, his smile is adorable but of course I look at his eyes before anything. They are exactly how I remember…and more vivid, more striking against the pale smooth skin of his face.

He says I look beautiful, and looking in his eyes I instantly know he means it- I can see the wonder there. I think I blush a little.

We have decided on a simple dinner-and-a-movie date. We go to the restaurant first. He's being the textbook gentleman again- holding the door, pulling out my chair. I can't help but appreciate it.

The time flies by. I remember talking, but I don't remember about what, really; I remember laughing, but I don't remember why. I find it harder and harder to take my eyes off of his, and I wonder what is happening to me, because it's not like I have never seen blue eyes before.

But it is like I have never seen blue before. And now I'm seeing it for the first time, in all its glory.

We go the theater and watch the movie. It is relaxing, and when he puts his hand gently on mine, I lace my fingers with his and smile in the dark.

Afterwards we stroll with ice-cream cones in our hands, talking about the movie we've just seen. He thinks the ending was perfect, and when I point out that the earth getting destroyed can hardly be called perfect, he argues that was the story of the movie, what can you do. I think Nicolas Cage should have come up with some idea to save the earth, he thinks then it would have been cliché.

It strikes me then- cliché. This date has been completely cliché in a romantic-movie sort of way- the ones you see in chick flicks and roll your eyes, thinking, 'Yeah, perfect in every way, like that ever happens.'

Until it happens with you.

And it feels so right that it almost feels wrong- like it shouldn't be so good.

But it is.

We are at my doorstep again. His eyes remind me of blue sparks now, and in an instant we are kissing. This time there is no pretense or hesitation- it is deep and it is long.

When I break free (I have to, I need air) I see that the blue is stormy.

It makes my stomach flip.

But tonight will not be the night to lose myself, to be blown away by that storm. I have a feeling this could be something special, and I will take it slow.  
I tell him that. He gives half a smile and says he knows what I mean, and it's completely okay. We say our goodbyes.

As he leaves, and I close my door, I am thinking just how much I would like to keep those blue eyes around for the rest if my life.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: First of all, thanks for the follows and favorites. :)**  
** So, this is the third chapter- references of 2x02- Double Down, a.k.a. the honeymilk episode.**  
**As I am discovering, I can't be at peace once I start writing something until I finish it. So other chapters will be up soon.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Today has been exhausting- for both of us. So after dinner we don't turn on the TV like we usually do. He goes directly to bed. I follow after a few minutes with two mugs of warm honey-milk in my hands- it's becoming kind of a ritual. I hand him one and climb on the bed beside him.

Then I notice he's not taking a sip. Instead he is staring at the mug, little creases appearing on his forehead.

'What's the matter?' I ask.

He looks up, and the blue in his eyes look troubled.

'It's nothing, just…'

'Just?' I prompt.

'It's just that I accidentally let it slip that we drink this together and now…' he sighs, 'now I've acquired the nickname 'honeymilk'.

I can see how that would be disturbing for a detective of the New York Police Department, but he's looking at me, two soft white centers have appeared in the middle of the blue pools of his eyes- the light reflecting on them- and he looks so much like a 7-year old with toy-and-teddy-bear issues that I have to work hard to keep a straight face.

'Who calls you that?' I try to sound sympathetic. 'Javier'?

'Castle too.' He sounds very grumpy. Then he shakes his head, looking at the mug, and I have to burst out laughing.

He looks at me. I see shock in his eyes for a moment before it's gone. They gleam when he asks me, trying to sound solemn and betrayed, 'Et tu, Brutus?'

'Aw', I try to stop laughing, 'don't look so sad, darling. A cute detective like you deserves a cute nickname like that. You know,' I wiggle my eyebrows and assume a faux-grand tone, 'His voice was like honey, his skin was like milk- they called him honeymilk!' I barely finish before I dissolve into laughter again.

When I'm still enough to look, he's staring at me, expression incredulous. 'My voice is like _honey_? My skin is like _milk_?'

I start laughing again. 'Why are you so shocked? They're _compliments_!'

And after a few moments, he's silently laughing with me.

I take his mug from him and put that alongside mine on the side-table. Then I put my arms around his neck.

'Kevin Ryan,' I say softly, 'I don't care what anyone calls you. And you shouldn't either. When someone says 'honeymilk', think of this', I press my lips on his, 'and this', I suck onto his lower lip gently, 'and this'…his lips are moving with mine now, and before long we are making out like teenagers in high-school.

I pull away after several minutes, gasping for breath.

'Yeah, this. Think about this and you'll be smiling, and nobody will know what your secret is.'

'Great idea', his voice is hoarse, his eyes are the blue of oceans in storm, 'but other problems might _arise_ if I think about this…'

I punch him on his shoulder. 'Is detective honeymilk'-his eyes go wide at that address-'trying to be naughty'?

'Detective honeymilk?!'

Before I can say anything he has me trapped in his arms.

'I'll give you honeymilk.'

'Please do…' his lips smother mine before I can finish and I can feel his smile against my lips before we are kissing once again and everything else is forgotten.

As we lose ourselves in each other, laughing and panting at the same time, his eyes remind me of Double Blue- the flower, and with that all things summer.

And yes, it has been more than a year since our first date and many things changed- Michael Jackson is dead, I have a new job, I have a boyfriend and I am living with him- one thing has not- I still see blue in his eyes, really _see_ it, like I don't anywhere else.

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	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello again, everyone! Those who followed, favorited and reviewed- you are awesome! :D**  
**This is the 4th chapter then. References of 2X16- The Mistress Always Spanks Twice.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

We are sitting on his red couch in the living room. My head is on his shoulder. He has his arm around me. The TV is on with the volume set low- we are not paying much attention to it. Instead we are talking, catching up with each others' day.

But now he's been silent for longer than the usual few moments. I look up to his face.

'Kevin?'

'Hmm?' He looks at me. His eyes are like the sky-clouded sky.

Something is bothering him.

'What are you thinking?'

'I…', he takes a moment, then says, 'I think maybe it's time for you to meet the guys at the precinct.'

'Really?' I sit up straight. I have mentioned this idea before, because it's obvious how much they matter to him and people who are such a big part of his life should be part of my life too.

But he always said I would meet them when the time is right.

'So, this is the right time?'

He smiles. 'I guess.'

'How do you know that?'

'Well', he says, 'the guys are starting to think you actually don't even exist, and I made you up. Javier called you my 'imaginary girlfriend' today.'

I stare at him. 'What? Why would they do that?'

He kisses my lips lightly, then smirks. 'Maybe because I have a hard time shutting up about you and you sound so amazing, they have decided you can't be real.'

I know he is joking, but his eyes tell me he's also not- the blue glows with pride.

My stomach does a little dance. I snuggle closer to him.

Then, before I can stop myself, the question tumbles out of my mouth.

'If I'm so amazing, why did it take you so long to take this decision?'

It's a small thing, and I trust him, but it has bothered me- I can't deny that.

'Jenny!', he sounds shocked. And when I look, the blue is alarmed.

'It's not you, it's them!' He sighs, shaking his head. 'You don't know them, Jenny. They can be…difficult. Beckett is cool, but the guys…Castle with his crazy theories and cockiness and Javier with his not-so-subtle sense of humor…plus', he says in a small voice, 'Castle's very…charming and you're…you- amazing, I mean, and…' I stare at him incredulously as the blue of his eyes take the shade of sadness.

'Kevin!', I can't believe this, 'You actually think I would leave you for _Richard Castle_?'

He blinks, then smiles, the light returning to his eyes.

'No, not really. Castle would never do that. YOU would never do that.'

'No, I wouldn't! Are you crazy, Kevin?' I put my arm around his neck. 'How can you not know I don't even _see_ other men anymore?'

'Oh, I know that.' He says, expression serious, 'I _am _a detective. I would know if you were seeing someone else.'

I smack him on his arm. 'Shut up!'

He gives me a goofy grin, the one that I love so much.

I can't help but smile. Then I say, 'Kevin, you are the most charming and the most handsome man I've ever met. And nothing or no one else can convince me otherwise. And as for the attitude of the guys', I add, 'I'd like to remind you that I was once a kindergarten teacher. I know how to handle immaturity.'

He laughs out loud at that, and his eyes are a clear blue now- like the spring back at my hometown.

'Okay, then.' He declares. 'They'll meet you soon.'

Two days later, I am at the precinct, meeting the people I have heard so much about- the gorgeous-yet-badass Kate Beckett, the rich and famous Richard Castle and my boyfriend's partner and best friend- the strong and tough Javier Esposito.

Kate says the word, but everyone really does welcome me with eager smiles. I tell Kate she is prettier than her picture in Cosmo, I tell Mr. Castle how I could not put _Heat Wave_ down and I thank Javier Esposito for being such a good partner.

Then I add, 'Now make sure you keep him safe out there.', because really, I cannot help it. My boyfriend _is_ a cop and he _can_ be in a life-or-death situation any day and try as I may not to think about that, not a day goes by when I do not.

And when I think about that now, I automatically move closer to Kevin and take his hand.

Esposito says, 'You got it.' And I see he means it.

I will admit- I was nervous. But the guys are glancing at each other and then at me, and then at Kevin with something close to wonder and I decide maybe they like me after all. And to tell the truth- I like them too.

I just know Kevin is way more nervous than me and I can tell without looking that his eyes are darting between me and them, checking reactions. I suppress a smile as I say goodbye to everyone and walk away with him, armed linked with his, to go the theater for the movie we are supposed to watch.

I can hear them start talking as soon as we leave, but something tells me I do not have any reason to worry.

'So?', Kevin asks, a hint of worry in _his_ eyes. I give him a bright and genuine smile.

'Everyone was so nice! I liked them all.'

I can see the worry leave him. He grins. 'Fantastic.'

I shake my head. 'You really ARE a cop, aren't you?

He is confused. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Well', I shrug, 'I never really believed it, you know. I mean, look at you. That face? That smile? How is any suspect ever _afraid_ of you? And how are they not instantly crushing on you when they are women?' I try, but fail to keep the laughter out of my voice.

We are at the garage by now which is completely empty. So he yanks me close and whispers to my ear, 'The cop-Ryan is someone else, honey. And I don't tell my suspects the name of the weapon which turns me into a…big teddy bear, as you seem to think.'

'Oh?', I know what he is going to say, but of course I still ask, 'What's that weapon again?'

'You'. He says predictably and the twinkling blue of his eyes is the last thing I see before I am pulled into a kiss.

**Thoughts? :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hello again! Thanks for favorites, follows and reviews, as always.**  
**One of you wanted to know if I could do a chapter on the incident where Ryan was asked to be a stripper. That's not really Kevin-Jenny material and so I can't do a whole chapter on it, but this chapter has a reference of that incident. I hope it's good enough. :)**  
**So, chapter 5. References of 3X06- 3XK, and 3X07- Almost Famous**

**Disclamier: I own nothing.**

When I call him for the third time and still find his cell phone to be switched off, I call Javier.

'Hello.' His usual gruff-ey voice says.

'Hi, it's Jenny. Do you know where Kevin is? His cell phone is switched off, and I don't understand…' I let the sentence trail into nothingness and hold my breath.

He's silent for one moment. One moment when my worry increases exponentially and I have to force myself to stay calm.

Then he says, 'It's okay. He's with me.' I barely have time for letting my breath out in a sigh of relief when he adds, 'I'm driving him home right now.'

'You're driving him home? Why? Javier, what's wrong?' My voice sounds unnaturally high-pitched to my own ears.

'Jenny, calm down. Nothing's wrong. Ryan's all right. He was knocked out for a few minutes, that's all.'

'Knocked out…for a FEW MINUTES?' Javier can, no doubt, tell from my ever-rising voice that he is not helping, so he says, 'Here, talk to him.'

Moments later his voice comes on. 'Hello, baby.'

I have to work hard to keep my voice steady, because I can not believe how weak he sounds.

'Kevin. Oh, Kevin, what happened?'

'I…Castle and I went to the safe-house- the motel to pick up the guy who helped us with information on the Triple Killer', I remember Kevin telling me about him yesterday, 'only it turned out we'd got the wrong guy and HE was the killer all along.'

My blood is chilled- Kevin spent HOURS yesterday with that guy in the motel- alone, trying to find information about the killings HE apparently did.

Kevin was still talking, 'Castle figured that out, but Tyson got to me before I could do anything and knocked me out. He took my…', now he sounds even worse somehow, I can hear other things in his voice besides the obvious lack of energy, 'stuff.' He says finally. 'And then he fled. While I was lying unconscious, completely useless.'

And I realize it- he blames himself.

'Kevin,' I say sternly, 'don't you DARE put this on yourself. Did you go to the hospital?'

'Esposito got me checked out. I'm fine.'

'Okay.' I say a silent thank you to God. 'Now hang up, and come home. We can talk later.'

About 15 minutes later the doorbell rings. I can hear him argue with Javier even before I open the door. 'You did NOT have to deliver me right to my doorstep.', he is saying, 'I was capable of riding the elevator alone. Hell, I was capable of driving…'

'Shut up, bro.' I hear Javier's voice.

I open the door and suck in a sharp breath at the sight of my boyfriend.

He looks pale, and that is saying something, considering his natural skin-tone.

There are thin dark rings around his wrists. He did not tell me he was tied up.

He is standing; standing straight, yes, but I can see the weakness.

But what frightens me most is his eyes. The usual-sharp blue in them looks hazy. Dull.

I swallow, then pull him by his arm and guide him straight to the bedroom.

'Lie down.' I say. And when he obeys without any protest, somehow I feel worse.

I go back to the living room, offer Javier a beer, but he refuses. He offers to stay the night if it is necessary, I tell him it is not. I ask him about what the doctor said ('He just needs rest') and thank him for taking care of Kevin.

'That's what partners are for.' He says. Then he leaves.

Back in the bedroom, I help Kevin change. A few minutes later he is leaning back against the pillows, sipping warm honey- milk and I am sitting there trying to find out details about what actually happened.

He does not want to tell. From what he does say I gather he was very wrong-footed by the sudden discovery that their information-supplier for the case was actually the murderer, and I feel a pang of rage at Richard Castle. As far as I am concerned he should have pulled Kevin aside and tell him about his suspicions, he did not need to let the killer in on it.

But right now, I have bigger problems, because Kevin has finished his drink, and after a few moments of silence he looks at me and quietly says, 'He took my gun, Jenny. My gun and my badge.' And I see the blue has become less blue and more gray before he closes his eyes and takes deep breaths.

'Kevin.' I take his face between my palms. He opens his eyes and my heart breaks as I see hints of things in them I never want to see- sadness, doubt and guilt. 'Kevin, _it-was-not-your-fault._' I emphasize on each syllable.

'I am a trained cop, Jenny. I should have been…'

'No!', I say forcefully, 'There is no 'should have been' here. You were caught off guard, and you were hurt. You are a wonderful cop, Kevin, and we both know that. Just because you had one incident like this doesn't mean you should doubt yourself.'

He looks at me silently, and I am so glad to see some of the blue tinge back in his eyes.

He sighs. 'I spent hours with the guy. How did I not know he was the killer?'

I almost laugh at that. 'Kevin! I'm not a cop and I even know that you can never tell by person's looks or by hanging out with him if he is a murderer. You meet people at your job everyday who have known someone for all their lives and suddenly they have discovered that someone was a killer. Plus,' I smile, 'you are the kind of person who wants to see the good in everyone. It's one of the reasons I love you so much.' As I talk, I see the gray clouds clear and the blue sky show.

He pulls me to him and I lie down beside him, with my head on his chest.

'What would I do without you, Jenny?', he murmurs.

I say nothing, just listen to his steady heartbeat and thank God for the hundredth time.

The next two days have their bad moments, moments when I fear the loss of blue to a dull colorless shadow of it, but it gets better.

Then one night he is talking about his latest case and the blue glints with humor as he says, 'So, Espo and I go to talk to the owner of the place that supplies male strippers, and…'

'And?' I raise my eyebrows.

'Let's just say the guy saw other talents in me.'

'He thought you should be a stripper?' I say, unbelieving.

He is half-smiling, half-frowning. 'Yeah. He said he had women requesting the 'skinny Twilight dude' all the time…'

'And with some body-glitter, you will be the perfect sparkly vampire of every girls' dream.' I start laughing.

'Sparkly vampire?' He is confused.

'You don't wanna know.', I say. 'What did Javier think of this, uh, development?'

'Oh, he was jealous.' He says matter-of-factly.

'Jealous?!' I'm torn between incredulity and laughter.

'Oh yes. Very.' He is smirking. 'He was so pissed that the guy dismissed him in an instant and picked ME.'

'You know', I observe, 'You seem a little too happy about all this. Maybe I should consider…taking you up on that angle some time.

'What do you mean?'

'You have a cop-uniform, right?' I say suggestively. 'And a pair of cuffs? Maybe we can…explore your talents.'

'Wha-, no way!' He looks horrified and I burst out laughing. And as I see his mouth slowly curve into a smile, the blue eyes dancing with light, I know that he is going to be okay, that we are going to be okay.

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	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hello! Thanks for follows, favorites and reviews!**  
**One of you requested a sex scene between Kevin and Jenny, but I don't think I'll be doing that in this story. Sorry!**  
**Chapter six, then. Reference of 3x11- Nikki Heat and slightly of 4x11- Till Death Do Us Part.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

I am at the firm where I work as one of the graphic designers. I am sitting before my desk, staring at the mac. I am supposed to be designing a shopping bag, but the charts open in _Adobe Image Illustrator_ blur before my eyes.

I cannot put out of my mind what happened in the morning.

Kevin has been weird for the past couple of days. The blue in his eyes held something new, something secretive. A new shade I have not seen before.

But I had shoved that thought out of my mind. I mean, this was Kevin. _My_ Kevin. He does not keep secrets. Except when he has been in danger or hurt- he tends to keep those incidents from me. But I eventually find out. And nothing like that has happened recently.

So I forgot about it.

Then, this morning he left his phone at home. I took it down to the precinct. I met Javier there. I knew he and Kevin played dart last night, so I asked how it was.

And he looked at me blankly.

'What dart?', he said.

They had not played dart. Kevin lied to me.

He lied to me about where he was last night. And not even his best friend was in on this.

That was when he appeared. Cup of coffee in hand, impeccably dressed in a three-piece suit, looking for all the world like he had not lied to me, like nothing was wrong, nothing was changed at all.

He saw my face. He looked at Javier. He put two and two together. I saw his eyes change before mine, taking that shade again- the one I don't know the meaning of.

He opened his mouth and I just knew he was going to come up with an excuse. And suddenly I could not take it anymore.

I know Kevin. Kevin does not lie. Not about his whereabouts. And yet I was finding out that he had lied. I felt like the world- the world I was familiar with and comfortable in- was crumbling.

I ran away then, away from him, to the elevator that would take me out of there. I was aware that people were looking, but I did not care.

He came after me, spluttering, 'Jenny! Jenny! Wait...could you please...'

I kept running, a dry sob escaping me.

'Sweetie, can we just talk about this?', he sounded desperate.

No, no, no, no…', I thought, 'I can't talk to you right now.'

The elevator door opened and someone was getting out as I was getting in- a woman, tall and attractive. She gave me a casual glance and my mouth fell open in shock- it was Natalie Rhodes- the actress! I looked at Kevin; he was not surprised to see her.

I did not know what the hell she was doing there, but she had been there before. And Kevin had met her.

I pressed the elevator button.

And I remembered the list, the silly list we had made up about celebrities we would sleep with if we had the chance to. He had said it shouldn't be counted as cheating if we did, they would be the exceptions. I had laughed and agreed, because really, when was I ever going to meet Ian Somerhalder? Or him, Natalie Rhodes?

But he met her.

Kevin tried to get in the elevator with me, and I pushed him out.

'I hate you, Kevin Ryan!', I said as I saw the doors close through tears.

That was hours ago. I am at work now, and I have accomplished nothing except powering up the computer and staring at it since I arrived. I am just trying to decide what to think, what to do about what happened.

And I think maybe I overreacted a little.

My relationship with Kevin has had its rough moments. Being a cop's girlfriend was not easy.

I remember- when we were dating for, like, two months. once he had to cancel three dates in a row because something had come up at the last minute, and of course it was always an emergency. The third time he cancelled when I was already dressed up and ready. I was so frustrated that I still got out, went into a bar and got drunk, and when a guy kept trying to pick me up I finally let him. I went to his place, and I slept with him. Michael, I think his name was. We were not exclusive yet, so that was not cheating or anything.

Anyway, point is, for a homicide detective, there can be a dead body waiting 4 in the morning and there can be an instant emergency situation any time. Then, of course, there is that _constantly-in-danger_ factor. So, like I said, it is not easy being the girlfriend of that detective.

But it has been much easier than it should have, and only because Kevin is just…amazing. He is loyal and honest. He tries with everything he has and it pays off. The three years with him have been the happiest of my life.

And somehow, after considering all this, I believe that he had a reason to lie to me. Lying is never good in a relationship, but it's _Kevin_. He must have had his reasons. Because like I said, he is loyal and honest. He would not cheat on me. Not even with Natalie Rhodes.

Right?

I glance at my phone. He has called numerous times. I have not picked up once.

And I miss him. I miss him, and I need to go to him, I need to tell him I am sorry and I love him and I trust him and actually _listen_ when he explains everything.

Because he _will_ explain everything.

I need to see him now.

Just like that the decision is made. I mumble something to my co-workers about some vague emergency as I rush out.

Half an hour later, I am taking the elevator at the precinct for the third time that day. I am feeling nervous, tugging at my dress. It is a blue dress. And I remember when I could not even think of buying a blue dress. I hated the color.

Until I met Kevin. And looked in his eyes. And saw the most incredible shades of it.

The doors open, and I walk out. I go into the bullpen and spot Kate and Castle . I give them a small smile.

'Hi, guys.'

'Hey', Kate says. But I'm already turning to Kevin.

'Jenny! I…', he quickly recovers from the shock of seeing me here as he takes his hands out of his pocket and gives me a hug, 'am so glad to see you.'

I hug him briefly before pulling away, taking his hand and saying, 'I just wanted to tell you all,' I look round briefly to Castle and Kate, 'I'm sorry about before.' I turn to Kevin. 'I made a scene…'

'Jenny,' ,he interrupts, 'it's okay.'

'No.', I say. Then, taking a breath, I continue, 'You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Kevin. And I want you to know that I trust you, and I love you. I'm sorry.'

'No, I…' he starts, but then he turns around and raises his eyebrows at Javier- who has been standing behind him all along, turning his right hand palm-up.

Javier mouths 'okay', and walks away with a soft huff.

Kevin starts again.

'No, I'm the one who's sorry', he says, and I can see earnestness in every line of his face. 'Because I lied to you. But I'm gonna set the records straight right now because you deserve the truth. So wait here for just one second.'

He raises his forefinger before running back to his desk, almost falling over his feet. I cannot make any sense out of it.

But then I see him take something out of his drawer and he has his hands behind his back as he runs back to me and I think finally the pieces are starting to fall into place and oh God oh God, is this really happening?

'Calm down!' I tell myself. And I force myself to listen to Kevin quietly, paying rapt attention.

'I did not play dart with Javier last night.' He swallows, 'I went to see your parents, because I had a question for them.'

This is happening. This is really happening.

He is down on one knee.

'Jennifer Scout Duffy-O'Malley…'

Oh no, my eyes are tearing up. I want to see his face, _his eyes_, damn it!

'Will you make me the happiest guy in the world and marry me?'

He pops open the velvet box in his hand and there it is, a magnificent ring, lying on a rich midnight blue background.

'Oh my god…' I look at him, and his eyes are like the sky on a glorious day, full of promises of a happy and beautiful time ahead.

'Y-y-' ,I stammer trying to get the response out too fast, 'Yes!'

His grin is blindingly bright as he whispers 'Yes?' and stands up.

And then we are kissing, and people all around us (when did they even gather?) are clapping and we are being patted on the back and being pulled into hugs and all through it I am remembering our first date, and our second date- about how I discovered blue, and how that changed my life forever.

**Thoughts? :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello, everyone! Thanks for favorites and follows. :)**

**This is chapter 7 then (I guess it's kind of a big one). Reference of 3X16- Knockdown.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

I am preparing dinner when it happens.

The phone call.

The one I have been subconsciously waiting for-and dreading-since I started dating Kevin.

The phone call with a bad news. The news that Kevin is in danger. That Kevin is hurt.

It was bound to happen one day. His job involves dealing with the most dangerous and cruelest kind of people. The science of probability would mean nothing if it never happened.

Yes, I know all that. But that does not mean I am prepared for this.

The second I see that Kate is calling, I get a bad feeling.

'Hello?', I say in a shaky voice.

Kate says that something has happened and I should know. First she says Kevin is fine, I do not have to worry.

But somehow I am not sure what she means by 'fine'. In some situations just surviving is 'fine'.

She says Kevin probably would not want me to find out yet, but she thinks if she was at my place she would prefer knowing as soon as she could.

By this point I am almost close to shouting 'Just tell me what happened!'

She tells me. Some guy they were chasing captured Kevin and Javier and tortured them for information. They tortured Kevin physically. Javier had to watch.

When I ask what they actually did to Kevin, Kate says they dunked his head in water a few times. 'Ice water.', she hesitates before saying.

It is January.

'He just has a mild hypothermia.' Kate assures me. 'He's gonna be okay.'

Okay? That word sounds alien to me now.

I try to keep my voice in check as I ask where they are right now, and when Kate says I really don't need to go down there I am already pretty much past my toleration point, so I say something harsh and half-insane and I am sure it does not even make much sense but she understands. So she gives me the address of that abandoned building.

When I am there, the area is taped, there are several police cars with their red-and-blue lights flashing and people are busily moving about everywhere. When I try to get in, they deny. So I have to call Kate. She comes out from a paramedic van, lets me in, then points me to the other van.

I can see someone lying in there.

Javier is also in there, sitting.

I almost run to it.

Javier sees me first. I see him telling something to the man who is lying down and who is obviously Kevin, then get down from the van.

'Are you okay?', I briefly ask him before getting into the van. He has a red line around his neck.

'Yeah.', he nods and walks away. He looks fine.

But I do not underestimate the fact that he was the one who had to watch. I know he loves Kevin, and if I were the one in his place with Kevin in that building, I know I would have my head dunked in ice-water rather than watching someone do it to him.

I get into the van. Look at Kevin. And I cannot breath.

There is too much blue, much more blue than I want to see.

The blue in his eyes is like ice. And yes, normally it is a pretty shade, but accompanied with his face which an unnatural pale blue and his lips which is a darker shade of it, it reminds me of all things winter and bleak and…death.

His dark brown hair is wet and tussled. He is covered up to his neck in a thick gray blanket. And he is still shivering.

'J-jenny?', he says, like he is not sure he is seeing me.

'Kevin!' I whisper as I kneel beside him on the floor of the van. I touch his face and it feels like he has just come out of a refrigerator.

I know my eyes are tearing up because he is blurring now.

'H-hey. Hey. 'M f-fine.', he is saying, and seriously? I am being the weaker one here? I mentally kick myself and quickly wipe away the tears.

I swallow the lump in my throat and say, 'Kevin.'

I stop, not quite sure what to say, because all I want to do now is just hug him and hug him so tight that I will crawl under his skin and he will never, ever, ever be cold again.

Instead I smile, and say, 'It's winter, you know. If you wanted to feel cold, you could have just taken a walk with your coat off at 5 in the morning.'

He tries to smile back, but his lips are not quite permitting it.

'B-but I hate waking uh-up early!'

I dry chuckle escapes me. I slip in my hands under the blanket and find his, which are, again, very cold.

I rub my hands with his as I say, 'Hmph. All right, but don't get any more crazy ideas, okay?'

He coughs. Then he says 'Promise.' with a solemn face.

I smile a little.

The shivering has subsided.

We are quiet for a few moments. Then he says, 'How did you…'

'Kate called me.' And seeing his expression I add, 'And I am very glad that she did. I can't imagine not being here right now.'

Then I lean down and rest my forehead on his.

'I love you, Kevin.' ,I whisper.

'I know.' ,he whispers back. His eyes are very close to mine, and I can see warmth in the icy blue now.

'Don't you dare leave me._ Ever_.'

'I will try my b-best not to.' he says, 'That ring cost quite a fortune and…'

'You are very right in thinking I will most definitely _not_ be giving it back.' I finish. 'So don't even think about leaving.'

Then I press my lips on his cold ones.

'Ever.' ,I whisper.

The time that comes after is difficult.

It is difficult for him because he has nightmares. He tosses and turns in his sleep and when I wake him up, he has difficulty breathing. Once he actually wakes up screaming 'don't shoot!' and I find out the guy had been on the verge of shooting out his kneecap when Kate arrived.

It is difficult for me because it breaks my heart every time I have to see him like this- eyes wide and the color of frost, mouth open, trying to gulp in air like he only has a limited time to do it.

But we work through it. I calm him down, talking to him, soothing him, telling him that he is okay, that everyone is okay, that it was over. Then we wipe away our tears and lie down holding each other in our arms. And finally sleep comes, blissful.

And yes, it is bad, but it could have been worse if either of us were panicking, backing down, giving in. But we are not.

So, as time passes, it gets better. Then an entire month goes by when he does not have the nightmare once, and his eyes are remind me of not ice, but burning blue fire and I know we have survived.

Like we have survived before, and will survive in the future.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hello! Thanks for favorites, follows and reviews, as always. :)**  
**Chapter 8, then. References of 3X24- Knockout and 4X01- Rise.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

When he finally comes home, I am still awake. I know he told me to go to sleep, but of course it was not that easy. I just couldn't.

So when I hear the lock turn, I climb out of bed and go out to the living room. He turns after closing the door and sees me.

'Jenny!', he says, 'You're still up? It's…' , he glances at the wall clock, 'three-thirty in the morning.'

'Couldn't sleep' was to be my response, but it comes after a much longer pause than I had originally planned, because I am just looking at him, and seeing him.

He looks exhausted.

Grief and fatigue shows in his whole posture.

He is wearing his dark blue police uniform. As if to match with that, the blue in his eyes is a deeper and darker shade than usual.

But I know the reason of the darkness lies not in his outfit, but right in that place where the fatigue and grief comes from.

I finally mumble out my response. He nods, then sits down on the couch.

'Aren't you gonna…', I stop myself.

Captain Montgomery was shot to death two days ago. And today Kate has been shot.

Kevin has talked to me exactly twice on the phone today- once when I called he let me know that Kate was shot and they were at the hospital, once he called to say that she was out of the surgery and is going to be okay, but he was going back to the precinct and try to track down the sniper, so he may not be home tonight.

But judging by his looks, and the fact that he is already home, they were not very successful.

So, yes. Kevin is going through a lot right now. And after a day like this, if he wants to just sit on the couch when he arrives home at three-thirty in the morning, I am not talking about if he is going to change first. Or come to bed.

I am just going to sit beside him.

And that is exactly what I do.

I sit down beside him, and put my hands on his.

He doesn't look at me, but he clasps my hands and his grip is tight. It is almost as if he is trying to draw strength from the touch.

We stay like that.

Finally, when I think his grip has loosened a little, I break the silence.

'Are you hungry?'

He looks at me. 'Hungry?'

'Yes. You look like you haven't eaten all day.'

'I…', he struggles to remember, 'had something off the vending machine at the hospital. Once. And a lot of coffee.'

I shake my head. 'There are leftovers in the fridge.', I stand up. 'I'll heat some up for you.'

After he has eaten (very little), he showers and he comes to bed.

When he lies down beside me, I watch him for a few moments - unmoving, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling.

Then I softly say, 'Kev.'

He looks at me. The dim light of the night light has merged with the darkness in the room, and that darkness seems to intensify in his eyes.

I place a hand on his cheek.

'You know it's going to be okay.'

He places a hand on mine and gives a little nod.

'Kate has survived. I know you will find the shooter and bring him to justice. You will find out why he shot her and solve everything. And the Captain, he will be proud of you all from wherever he is.'

And I see the blue start to glitter as tears form in his eyes.

'Kevin.' I move as close to him as possible, then put my arms around him. He hugs me back, burying his face in my shoulder.

'Shh. It's okay, honey. It's okay.', I whisper.

I can hear his labored breathing, feel his chest rise and fall as he tries to control himself.

I hug him tighter with one arm, I slip the fingers of my other hand through his hair, softly clutching a handful.

'It's fine, sweetie. It's all right.', I continue, trying to keep my own eyes dry.

After a few minutes, his breathing becomes easier and the gentle shaking stops and finally he is lying still in my arms.

After a few more minutes, I pull the hair on the back of his head and he moves and looks at me.

His face is a faint pink, his lips look soft and the blue eyes just look…vulnerable.

I press kisses all over his face. His forehead, his cheeks, his nose, his lips, his chin.

Then I close his eyes with my hand and kiss the eyelids.

'Go to sleep.' I murmur.

'And remember, I am always, always here for you.'

I put my arm around him again. He sighs and his body relaxes.

And somehow I know when morning comes, the blue will not be dark like the evening sky any more.

And even if it is, I will be right by his side and work through it until I can see a spring afternoon again.

**Drop a line? :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hello! Thank you for favorites, follows and reviews. :)**  
**This is chapter 9- one of the 'big' ones, I think. Reference of 4X04-Kick The Ballistics.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

The moment I see him tonight, I know that he is upset.

Something must have happened at his job, because when he left in the morning he was fine- laughing with me about this random thing and that, attitude feather light. But sixteen hours later, it's heavy as iron.

He gives me a forced smile and goes to change, but I notice his foreboding face, the hard set of his jaw, the unusually small line of his lips.

I immediately want to ask what happened. But I do not.

I let him get freshened up and eat.

I am not surprised when he says that he has had 'kind of a long day' and wants to go straight to bed.

I wordlessly join him there.

He is sitting on the bed, leaning back against the headboard. I sit facing him, cross-legged.

I am willing to be silent for a few minutes before I ask anything, but I do not have to.

He is not looking my way, but he tells me what happened.

A girl was found dead. She was shot to death. And the ballistics matched the gun with the one that Kevin had lost to the Triple Killer.

'A girl was killed with my gun. The service weapon the city gave me to protect its people.', he says through clenched teeth, finally looking at me.

And I freeze in my spot, because he looks almost unrecognizable.

In the three-and-a-half years of our relationship, we have been in our fair share of fights. So it's not like I have not seen him angry before.

But this is different.

His fists are balled up, his jaws are tight and the blue, the blue in his eyes blazes like fire with rage.

At first I am not sure what I should do. I am not afraid of him, but this does not seem like a situation where I make a joke to make it easier and hug him and kiss him and everything is all right.

Every line in his face screams 'Approach with caution.'

I take one of his hands in both of mine. Then I softly say, 'Easy, Kevin.'

He just looks at me.

'You're gonna find out who did this. And that guy will be punished. It's not your fault…'

'How can you say that?' ,he pulls his hand away, sits up straight and shouts, 'I was the cop, I should've been able to hold on to my weapon, not let some psychopath snatch it from me!'

He sees my face and calms down the next moment.

'Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to yell at you, Jenny.', he collapses back again. 'I am losing it….', he mutters.

I am still shaken by the sudden outburst, but I scoot closer to him.

'It's okay.' I say. 'I can't imagine how awful you must feel about all this. But Kev, we've been through this, remember? Things happen to you when you are a cop. You didn't _choose_ to lose your weapon.'

He's looking at me, listening to me. Good.

'It is NOT because of you that the girl is dead.', I continue. 'A murderer killed her. You're gonna catch that murderer. But none of it was you.'

I am relieved to see some of the lines disappearing from his face.

He sighs.

'I know.', he confesses finally, 'but I can't help feeling responsible.'

'Then just keep doing what you're doing. You know, your job. Find that killer, and you have done your part.'

He nods, getting lost in thoughts.

Then he is back to reality. The blazing blue is smoldering now.

He takes my hand and smiles a little. And I cannot believe how glad I am to see that.

'Thanks, Jenny.', he says.

'Always.', I smile back.

We turn off the light and lie down to go to sleep. I hope by tomorrow this time, we will discuss this with considerably lighter minds.

That hope, however, proves to be futile.

The next night when he enters home, he looks the same. Maybe even worse. There's a hint of frustration to the angry air.

Later, in bed, he tells me that they had a strong lead. A whole family of Chinese drug dealers. The girl tutored one of the kids and she was acting as an informant for Narcotics. Kevin is pretty sure one of the guys in this family is the killer. But they said they all had alibis of all their servants.

'I haven't called and checked yet.', he lets out a frustrated sigh, 'but of course the servants will all agree.'

He is restless, fidgeting with his fingers, not relaxing. The blue of his eyes has dark shadows and tinges I have not seen before.

I tell him that being able to catch the killer the day after the murder- it was a long shot anyway.

He agrees.

And then he says, 'People know about this.'

'The murder?', I am confused.

'No. The gun. My gun,', his voice is unusually rough.

And he tells me- how he actually attacked a narcotics detective, grabbed his collar and slammed him against the wall because he implied it was Kevin's fault.

That, all over again.

As Kevin tells the story, he looks like he is reliving it. In fact, I feel like the whole point of telling me this is to relive it, to punish himself.

His blue eyes are hazy.

I have never seen the narcotics detective guy, of course, and chances are I never will, but there is no one I hate more right now.

I don't know what else to do, so I just put my arms around him and wish with all my heart that this be over soon.

I fall asleep hugging him.

I have trouble concentrating on my work the next day. I cannot stop thinking about tonight- about how it is gonna be. Will I see him grin, or will he bare his teeth in rage as he tells me how there were dead-ends everywhere and they couldn't catch the guy?

In the end, I get to see neither because he calls to say he will be late. He is looking for some documents in old files, something he thinks is going to help.

I fall asleep before he comes home.

I see him the next morning. He looks slightly better. He says they know who the killer is- a son of that Chinese family. Apparently, he was in prison and knew the Triple Killer from there. 3XK sold Kevin's gun to him.

'But there's not enough hard proof.', he says, eyebrows pulling together, eyes getting darker, 'Unless he confesses, we can't charge him. And I don't see why he will.'

I smooth a wrinkle in his grey-blue shirt and kiss his lips lightly.

'There,' I say, 'I give you my luck. You'll get him.'

'Wasn't there a Lindsey Lohan movie where they did this luck-by-kiss thing?' he says, frowning slightly.

I shake my head in disbelief. 'Why do you even _know_ this?'

He looks embarrassed, mumbles something about a weekend at his sister's and leaves in a hurry.

I chuckle slightly, then leave for my own job in a better mood than yesterday's.

And that luck thing proves to be pretty handy because the instant I see him that night I know it's over.

He looks like himself again, and the blue in his eyes doesn't have that angry gleam anymore.

I am so happy that as soon as I close the door I give him a long hug. He doesn't say anything, he just hugs me back.

Afterwards, we have dinner as he tells me the whole long story. It is fascinating, really. Especially because it has a happy ending now.

We are still talking about it when we are sipping honey milk in our bed.

'The best part is,' he is saying, 'Ben Lee's getting what he wanted. He's alright; physically, I mean. He came to see me at the precinct.', he smiles. 'To say thank you.'

'If you think about it, he really should be thanking me.'

'You? How's that?', he wants to know.

'Um, hello, the luck?', I say, with a mock-offended tone.

'Oh.' He laughs. 'You know, luck can't really take all the credit here. I mean, it involved a whole lot of good detective work, and being badass, and cool from one particular person…'

I raise my eyebrows. 'Does being badass translate to dressing yourself as a college student in your 30s?'

He shakes his head. 'I knew I should have left that part out.'

Then he grins. 'You should have seen Javi, he looked ridiculous! I, on the other hand,….', he pulls me closer, 'can assure you that I made it work.'

'Right.' I laugh. Then I say, 'Seriously, though. Congratulations. You were really cool.'

'Yeah?', he grins again.

'Yeah', I assure him.

Then I slip one of my hands under his t-shirt.

'Does Mister Cool Detective want to receive congratulations in a slightly different way?', I whisper.

His smile lights up the room. He pulls me on top of him.

'You betcha!'

The blue of his eyes is cheerful and fresh like new paint, and after seeing just how different they could have been, I fall in love with them all over again before I lean down and kiss the smile off his face.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hello again! Thanks for follows, reviews and favs. (And TXMedic, I'm a huge fan of your story 'The Judas'. And basically all your Ryan stories. Recommended to everyone!)  
This is chapter 10, then. Reference of 4X11- Till Death Do Us Part. (Though this has to do less with the episode and more with a walk down the Kevin-Jenny memory lane.)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

'Oh my God.', I think, 'Oh-my-_God!_'

I have been calling God a lot today, and it does not really involve anything shocking or serious.

It is just that every few minutes I am having a moment.

An 'Oh-my-God-I'm-freakin'-getting-_married_!' moment.

And the moments feel good. Every moment turns my stomach into jelly and warms my heart and I just cannot stop smiling.

As I stand on the staircase of the church, bridesmaids lining before me, I think again, 'Oh-my-GOD!'

I am wearing a white dress and a veil. I have a bouquet in my hand. I am getting married in 20 minutes.

To Kevin.

The love of my life.

I smile to myself, thinking how cheesy it feels to even think about phrases like 'soul mate' and '_The One_', but I am helpless because that's what he is.

All the more reason to smile.

He was here a few minutes ago, hugging Kate and shaking hands with Rick and Javi near the door. He almost looked at me but they stopped him. He went back inside.

He was not so much walking as skipping- happiness bursting through his posture. I know the exact feeling because I am feeling it myself. I am convinced it is one of the best feelings in the world.

I think I should be a little nervous. But truth is, I'm not. I have never been so sure about anything in my entire life.

I think about our 4 years together, and there are so many memories. Everything I see around me reminds me of a memory of us.

Flowers.

On our fourth date Kevin brought me flowers- a simple but beautiful bouquet of daisy. But he did not know I was allergic. The moment he showed up with those I started sneezing and my throat started itching.

He was embarrassed and apologized over and over again, his blue eyes wide and worried, but I was not mad at all.

Instead I thought, 'He is being so unbelievably _cute_!'

In the end we stayed in instead of going out like we had planned. We talked, ordered in food and had a nice evening- and I had never enjoyed an allergic reaction so much.

Stairs.

At the end of our fifth date, I invited him up for coffee, and we both knew what it meant.

It had been my call but truth is I had waited way longer than I would have liked.

We found each other irresistible and tonight we were finally going to give in.

We stopped talking altogether as we hurried to the elevator. And it turned out there were some problems with it and it was not working.

I lived in a 7th floor apartment.

The manager was there. He said he called an electrician, he was on his way.

That meant waiting.

I turned to Kevin. The blue in his eyes reminded me of the electricity that had gotten so unbearable.

'Stairs?', I said.

He nodded, and we rushed off leaving the astonished manager behind.

We were on the third floor landing when suddenly the lights went out and plunged us in darkness. Apparently, the electrician had turned the main switch off to fix the elevator.

We stood in the dark for a minute. Then I heard Kevin mutter 'Oh, what the hell!' and then he grabbed me and started kissing me.

I was startled for a second, because that was really unlike the gentleman I was coming to know was him, but a second was all it took to forget everything and feel the desperation.

When the lights came on, we should have been embarrassed. Our coats were on the floor, his shirt was unbuttoned, my dress was unzipped and our hands were at places that shall remain unnamed.

But we really did not have room for embarrassment in our mind. We grabbed the coats, took the elevator up to my apartment and we barely made it through the door before the rest of our clothes landed on the floor.

That was the night our story really began.

The olive colored dresses of the bridesmaids remind me of the time when we were at a restaurant, he had an olive from his drink in his mouth and I said something funny- he laughed and almost choked.

He was coughing like crazy, blue of his eyes swimming in water. I had to get up and thump his back and everyone was staring, but I did not know how to stop giggling.

The white in my dress remind me of another white dress, the one he gave me on my first birthday with him. He had been super-busy around that time and when we met for dinner he truthfully said that he didn't get me anything. I tried not to show my disappointment. But after dinner he pulled me into a boutique and told the sales lady 'I want you nicest dress for my girlfriend.',

Then he told me, 'I had you, didn't I?', the blue of his eyes twinkling.

So many memories, and in just four years. I honestly cannot wait to spend my entire life making more memories with him.

And finally it is time.

Kevin's sister's little girl is walking down the aisle throwing rose petals, then the groomsmen and bridesmaid and then finally me, arms linked with my dad's.

As I walk I look at Kevin- he looks very handsome in his expensive suit, looking at me, grinning a mega-watt grin, and again I think of God, but this time thanking him because I am lucky, lucky like so few people on this earth is.

We stand before the minister, holding hands, exchanging rings, saying our wedding vows and then finally the words, 'I do.', and the minister pronounces us man-and-wife.

'You may kiss the bride.', the minister tells Kevin.

We look into each other's eyes for a moment, and the blue in his eyes is like the summer sky- holding the promise of a wonderful future, like burning blue flames- determined to keep me warm even in the coldest days.

Then we kiss, probably longer than we should in front of our whole family, friends and colleagues, and people clap and hoot, and I smile into the kiss, thinking- anticipating about the rest of my life with the blue-eyed man I am madly in love with.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hello y'all! Thanks for follows, favorites and reviews!**  
**This is chapter 11, then. References of 4X23- Always, 5X01- After The Storm and 5X02- Cloudy With A Chance Of Murder.**

**Now, a word. I know many of you have not liked the way Ryan and the Ryan-Espo makeup after 'Always' was treated in the show. I am right there with you. But I have decided to stick to the show as much as possible in this story, so I had to handle the matters somewhat less-angstily and lightly too, for better or worse. Sorry if that makes this...I don't know, bad?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

I have had a busy day. Some orders were due and a group of us graphic designers had to work like maniacs to make it within the deadline. Because of that, I have not had time to check in with Kevin as frequently as I normally do.

When I arrive home at eleven, exhausted but pleased that we were finished within time, I am a little surprised to find the door locked. So Kevin is not home yet.

It is not so unusual. But when I check my phone I see that he has not replied to any of the texts I have been sending him since I got out of office.

Frowning, I call him.

He does not receive.

I call him again.

No reply.

With rising tension, I call him again.

This time he picks up.

'Hello.', his voice sounds very different. Hoarse. Angry. Rough.

'Uh, Kevin?', I ask tentatively. 'What's up?'

'Nothing.', he says.

'Okay…', this is serious, and this is _not_ good, 'Where are you?'

'I…', I wait as he pauses, 'dunno. Some random street.'

'What do you mean?', I am lost, 'You don't know where you are? How did you get there? And it's raining! What are you doing on a street? Kevin, are you okay?'

'I'm fine. I was just taking a walk. Just walking. Yeah. I'm fine.'

Nothing is making any sense. But I instinctively realize asking more questions is not a good idea right now.

'When are you coming home?', I say instead.

'I…', he sighs, and the his voice has lost its hard edge when he says, 'Now. I'm going now.'

Then he hangs up.

I stare at the phone, not sure what just happened.

Maybe someone else can explain.

I call Javier. He does not pick up.

Frowning, I call Kate. She does not receive either.

When I am calling Rick, I already know what is going to happen. And sure enough, it goes straight to voicemail.

Huffing, I throw my phone on the sofa and go to change. Maybe I will take a second shower. Something very strange is going on, and I have a feeling I need to be as relaxed and calm as possible to handle this.

Kevin shows up about forty minutes later. I stare at him.

He is soaking wet. His clothes cling to his body, his hair is matted to his forehead. His face glistens in the light. The blue in his eyes is dull. And distant. It scares me.

I realize I have been staring. I move from the doorway to let him in.

He comes in, then stands in the middle of the living room. Just stands there, doing nothing, hands deep in pocket, looking down, watching his clothes drip on the carpet.

'Kevin?' I stand in front of him. 'Aren't you gonna shower?'

His head snaps up. 'What?'

'Shower.' I say. 'Aren't you gonna….'

'Yeah,' ,he says, 'Yeah…' he trudges away to the bathroom.

I bite my lip. This is worse than I thought.

After shower, he is standing near the bedroom window, looking outside. The rain has stopped.

I notice how tight his grip is on the sill. His knuckles look white. His mouth forms a thin line.

I place a hand on his arm. 'Kevin?'

He does not look at me. He shows no sign that he heard me.

'Kev?' I call again. 'What's wrong?'

He says nothing.

'Talk to me, Kevin.' I plead, feeling helpless.

And then he does.

'I made Beckett quit the job. And I put Javier on admin leave. That's what's wrong. THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!'

He draws in a shaky breath.

'I went behind their backs and it cost Beckett her job! And probably my friendship with Javier! They both hate me. Hell, _I _hate me!'

Then he starts pacing the room. Back and forth, like some caged animal.

I gape at him. What the hell is going on?

I sit down on the edge of the bed.

'First of all,' , I start, 'I'm sure no one hates you…'

'Yeah!', he says, voice bitter, 'You weren't there. You should have seen Beckett's face. And Javi, he couldn't even look at me!'

He pulls at his hair. 'Oh God…'

I get up and grab his shoulders.

'Hey. _Hey!_'

He looks at me, and the blue is like pain, like hurt and agony.

'Tell me what happened.' ,I say slowly, emphasizing each word.

He looks in my eyes. And I look into his, willing him to talk, trying to convey without saying that I am here to listen, to understand.

And he tells me. He opens his mouth, and it comes pouring out. He starts pacing again halfway through it, agitated and restless, and I struggle to keep up with him as he talks faster and faster.

'So, they just left.', he concludes. 'I got out a few minutes later- I just couldn't bear being there anymore. It was so empty…and then I started walking, and I walked for I don't know how long, I don't know where I was going, and it started raining, still I just walked and oh, what have I done? What have I done?'

He stops pacing and covers his face with his hands.

I need a moment to digest this. I can't _believe_ this is happening.

'Kevin.' I pull at his wrists and his hands come away from his face. Every line on it shows shame and regret.

'So, let me get this straight.', I say, 'You saved your two partners' lives. You had to do it because they were reckless and didn't follow protocol. For breaking rules they were brought to the book by your captain. And somehow you decided it was YOUR fault?'

I shake my head. I really can't believe it.

'How on _earth_ did you land on that conclusion?'

'You don't understand!', he says, half-exasperated, half-confused, 'I ratted them out! Partners don't _do_ that!'

'The whole doing-the-right-and-sensible-thing argument aside, what would happen if you didn't?'

He stares at me.

'Tell me, Kevin,' I push, 'What would happen if you _didn't_ tell Gates?'

'Beckett would fall.', he mutters. 'If I were a moment late, she would fall.'

'And _die_.', I add. Then I take his face in my hands. '_You saved her life_, Kevin. Do you regret that?'

'No, no!'

'Then how can you regret telling Gates?'

'I…', he closes his eyes, 'I don't know.'

He takes a deep breath. Then, as if suddenly remembering something, he opens his eyes again. 'Then why do they hate me?' he asks. 'If I was right, why do they hate me?'

'No one hates you! They may be mad, and because of exactly what you said- you were right. You were right, they didn't listen to you, they went about it wrong, and that pretty much blew up in their faces. That, combined with everything else that went down, could result in a lot of misplaced anger. But once they calm down and think it through, I'm pretty sure they'll realize why you had to do what you did.'

'You think so?', he says slowly.

'Yes.', I say with conviction. 'Anyone with common sense can see that you were only trying to keep the safe.'

Hope flickers in his blue eyes. It breaks my heart.

I put my arms around him and hug him tightly.

'Now you are gonna eat something, and you're gonna sleep, and the next time you see your partners…'

'But Beckett quit.', he interrupts me.

'Oh, right…and it was her choice, if I may add, you didn't _make_ her quit, as you were saying. Anyway, if I know Kate at all, she's gonna wanna come back. And when you see your partners again, things will be all right.'

His arms go around me, and he sighs.

We stay like that, and I fervently hope what I am saying is true.

The next day I do not see him at all. He calls twice- once in the morning- he was still working on Beckett's shooter's case, alone, and once at night letting m know he would be late. I hear voices around him and when I ask, he says they were all at Kate's place, working on a lead.

Late he was. I fell asleep, and did not know when he came home. And the next morning, he has again left before I am up.

I decided not to call him and bother him, because he has no partners now, and has to get all the work done by himself.

But I have not talked to him all day, and it is twelve a.m., and he is not home yet, and I desperately miss him and I am worried, because I never knew if he made up with Kate and Javier. So I give in and call him.

'Ryan.', a slurred voice answers. My eyes go wide.

'Kevin? Are you drunk?'

'Huh? Jenny?'

'Yes, it's Jenny. Where are you?'

'In a bar.'

I sigh.

'No kidding. Come home, Kevin.'

'Okay.', he hangs up.

I thank God because tomorrow is Saturday- something tells me I am not going to get a good night's sleep.

Kevin is home half an hour later, not really drunk, but not sober either. The blue of his eyes is like glass- pale and fragile.

He tells me the shooter guy is dead. They finally know who gave the order to kill Beckett's mom. Apparently, it's Senator Bracken.

I decide I have to ask him again when he is sober.

They wrapped up the case.

He saw both Kate and Javier. Kate is not mad at him. Javier is.

'He called me Judas.', he says, anger and hurt flashing in his blue eyes.

Then he closes them.

'I am so tired…'

I don't talk much, just listen, because he is not in a state of mind to make sense of much of anything.

I give him coffee. Then I drag him to bed and tell him to sleep.

But we both lie awake.

The next three weeks show me a Kevin I have never seen before.

The other guys at the precinct are apparently rude and hostile to him now because everyone feels he betrayed his partners.

But he is able to handle that. He basically stays out of everybody's way. And when someone gets too accusing, he coldly asks them where they were when Beckett was falling off a roof, and they grudgingly shut up.

He still does not have any partner. Sometimes there are other guys with him, but mostly he works alone. He is constantly late at home, and he is tired. But he does not sleep very well either.

But what makes the real difference is Javier. He does not receive Kevin's- or mine- calls. He does not call once either.

And Kevin without his partner in his life is a Kevin I do not know.

He tries all right. He tries to be himself, to joke, to laugh, to be easy, and sometimes he manages.

But I can see it in his eyes- the constant nagging in the back of his mind- the ever-present feeling that his partner hates him.

I think Javier is really mad at himself. He thinks he should have saved Beckett. But he is the kind of person who would stubbornly hold a grudge because letting it go means humbling his ego.

And that is really frustrating, for both Kevin and I.

The first week Kevin calls numerous times. He leaves messages saying that he is sorry. He texts him. And there is not a single reply.

The second week, he is more angry than apologizing. He knows Javier is being stupid and stubborn, and he cannot do anything about it. It bothers and angers him.

The next week, it has reduced to a cool resolve.

'If he doesn't need me, I don't need him.', he says in a clipped voice; face hard, blue of his eyes cold.

I refrain from commenting, but I do not like any of this.

Losing your best friend is bad. Losing your best friend at a point of your life when you are in no position to make a new one is worse. And if that best friend is the one who you have to trust with your life while fighting dangerous crimes…well, I do not know if it can get any worse.

Javier and Kate (yes, her too) comes back tomorrow. I really wish things are at least normal, because otherwise I might lose it too, along with Kevin.

When we are in bed, he suddenly says, 'Maybe I should do nothing.'

'Huh? About what?'

'Javi. You know, I thought I would give him a cold shoulder. But…', he sighs, 'then how am I any better than him? I will just stay out of his way, like I have been staying out of everybody's way lately.'

He sounds sad, and I feel extremely sorry for him. And I feel angry.

My husband is probably the nicest guy anyone was ever going to meet, and this is how he is treated?

There really is no justice in the world.

I give him a long kiss.

'It's going to be okay.'

The next day, I cannot stop worrying. So, I stop by at the precinct.

He is sporting a black eye and I am horrified. He says it was the security guards of Reggie Blake- the basketball star.

I am secretly thankful because I had thought it was Javier's work. And I would certainly have given that guy a piece of my mind if it was so.

'How are…things?' I ask tentatively as I apply tinted moisturizer to cover his black eye.

'Javier is getting on my nerves.' ,the blue of his eyes shows irritation. 'Driving me crazy.'

I try to swallow my disappointment. I stupidly thought- hoped, actually- it would be okay once they actually saw each other and had to work together.

'It's just that he is so _immature_…, ugh!'

I frown.

Somehow he sounds pretty immature himself when he says this, like a high-school kid in a fight with his best friend. Grumpy, annoyed, but still ready to forgive his friend any second.

I have a feeling that the three weeks apart might have been a blessing more than anything else. It has thawed Kevin. And it had to have thawed Javier.

Because when you are truly mad at someone, you do not act immature with them. You do not tease them. You act cold. Distant. Hateful.

Right?

Right. Because that night when Kevin comes home, I immediately know this is the old Kevin, the Kevin who is best friends with Javier Esposito.

He tells me what happened.

The punch that gave him the black eye? He took that trying to defend Javier.

I am not surprised- that's Kevin for you. Still loyal even when they are in a fight.

Anyway, some sports journalist filmed that and it was on television. When Javier saw it, he basically realized he had been being an ass and stopped being so.

They went to a bar, and after some alcohol in both of them, copious amount of apologies were made from both sides. Javier told Kevin he understood why Kevin had to go to Gates, that he was very sorry for the way he acted, and that Kevin was his 'best bro'.

To sum up, life is back to normal again.

And I silently thank God for that. I have missed my Kevin, _so_ much, and seeing the blue in his eyes brighten once again, right now makes me one of the happiest persons in the world.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hello again! Thanks for favorites, reviews and follows! :)**  
**This is chapter 12. Reference of 5X18- The Wild Rover. And this has Siobhan's point of view too along with Jenny's, because, well, come on!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

I already had a lot on my mind when I headed to the precinct with Kevin's forgotten lunch bag.

We both had fertility tests this morning- we have been trying for a long time now, and we cannot put this off any more. We need to know what is going on.

Kevin earlier wondered, uncertainty in his blue eyes, 'What if there's something wrong with me?' and I assured him that it was nobody's fault, but in my mind I could not help wondering the same thing.

What if there is something wrong with _me_?

And it turns out the morning was just a beginning of a bad day that would get infinitely worse.

I am handing the lunch bag to Kevin, saying, 'What would you do without me, huh?' and he is grinning goofily, when a voice rings out- 'Fenton?'

We both turn. A woman, brown haired and beautiful, is looking directly at Kevin.

A female officer is holding her by her arm, a male officer on her other side- she must be a suspect.

And Kevin knows her.

'Siobhan?', he says.

'Fenton!', she pulls away from the officer, runs at us, and before I know it she is kissing Kevin.

Kissing him, right in front of me, on his lips, her hands on his face.

And what is worse, Kevin is not shaking her off, not pulling away.

His eyes are closed.

I need a moment to find my voice before I manage, 'Hey! What the hell are you doing? That's my husband!'

She immediately pulls away, and gives me a quick glance before asking him incredulously, 'You're _married?_'

And she slaps him, right across his face.

Javier and Rick, who were witnessing the whole thing, hurry forward.

Kevin is saying nothing.

Rick says, 'Whoa, lady, you can't slap a cop!'

'You're a _cop_?!' she is completely shocked and smack!- another slap.

The officers take matters in their hands now, pulling her away while she screams, 'Oh! You liar, you son of a bitch, how could you? _Get off of_ _me, let go_!'

Kate, Rick, Javier- everyone looks stunned. They are as much in the dark about this as I am.

I look at Kevin, silently asking for an explanation.

'I can explain.', he says.

We go into the break room.

He takes a deep breath. 'Seven years ago, when I was in narcotics I was undercover with the Irish mob in Staten Island for a little more than a year. Fenton O'Connell was my alias. That's where I met Siobhan.'

'And?', I ask.

'And, she always had a lot of information about the mob, so I befriended her.'

''Befriended'?' I scoff, 'Are you sure that's the right word?'

'We got together later.'

'For how long?'

'For the better part of my Fenton days…but Jenny, it's not about her! I was able to put away a lot of them-the mob, and I got out of there. Everyone was supposed to believe that I got ratted out and fled. So, today Siobhan was shocked to find out that…'

'Not only are you a cop, you are not her boyfriend anymore.' I finish, my voice harsher than usual. 'And you never told me any of this.'

Kevin looks at me and the blue in his eyes is a new shade. I have never seen it before- it is unknown and alien.

'Jenny,', he says, 'We can talk about this later.' He holds the door open.

And I take off, because what else can I do?

My mind is reeling.

Did he ever even break up with that woman?

Was he in love with her?

About the woman's feelings, I have a pretty good idea. I am a woman myself, and I know what kind of feelings are needed when you see someone seven years later and just _have_ to forget everything else and kiss him.

They were together for a year. And then he had to leave. Not by his own choice, he just had to.

So who's to say he ever fell out of love?

He just never got a chance to see her again. Until now.

What if…

NO! I scold myself. I am overthinking, I am making up stuff. I know my husband. I love him, and he loves me.

Then again, in the almost-six years we have been together, he never mentioned a word about this secret life of his.

Was it because it was confidential or something?

Or was it because it was too painful?

I shake my head. I need to forget about this. I need to get to the office as fast as I can, and bury myself in work. Otherwise I will go crazy.

* * *

_The same face, the same piercing blue eyes, the same brown hair, the same familiar mouth. Yet a completely different person._

_You stand on the other side of the cell-grill, wearing a __suit__ of all things, telling me your name, your identity-everything was a lie. Not Fenton O'Connell, it's Kevin Ryan. You're a cop, and you want to 'help'._

_Help? Where were you these seven years when I needed help? _

_No, I didn't need help. I needed you._

_I was in love with you! I was falling apart without you!_

_And then I pulled myself back together, because I am a strong and independent woman. I don't need a man to make my life complete._

_But I needed a man- you!- to make it happy. _

_I thought you were in hiding, and one day you were gonna come back, and I would be so mad because you left a note and just vanished and now you show up all these years later and just expect me to take you back? _

_But I would, I would take you back because I loved you, and when you left I kinda put that on hold but I was ready to jump and fall back again, any day._

_But that hope dimmed year after year. What was worse, the hope was even there in the first place. I couldn't let go._

_Finally it got so unbearable that I, Siobhan O'Doul, decided to be an informant, just so I could get this over with, could get away from all the memories, start a new life._

_And by some sick and twisted joke of universe this is when I see you again._

_Only you are not you. You are not a member of the mob. You are not in hiding. _

_You are a cop, and you are married to a 5 foot tall woman who tells me indignantly that I have no business kissing you because you're her __**husband**__._

_Isn't that just fucking cute._

_You're telling me you know how these seven years without a word from you were? You're saying you didn't wanna go? _

_Yeah, right. Last time I checked, only one of us was married._

_So I tell you to go straight to hell._

* * *

I am trying very hard to concentrate. But the colors, patterns, lines and shapes on the screen of the Mac makes me dizzy.

All I can see before my eyes is the kiss. Replaying, over and over again.

Another woman kissing my husband. And my husband not exactly horrified by this.

I think what bothers me most is the fact that Kevin never told me about this. Not only the girl, the whole undercover life. I thought I knew him, inside and out. And suddenly I am discovering that he had- has- this whole other side. Suddenly I do not know him anymore.

And it does not feel good.

I almost feel sorry for the other woman when I realize she is going through the same thing- she thought she knew him too. Only she did not.

Neither did I.

* * *

_Are you out of mind? I say that out loud actually, because I'm that surprised. You just wanna waltz in the lair of the lion seven years later and expect to be BFFs with him again? _

_But in spite of your stupid sweater vest and your tie you look determined and your cobalt blue eyes are serious as hell, so I don't think you're kidding._

_Why are you doing this? The bible? Your murder case?_

_Or is it me? _

_You don't have to do it because of me. You've done enough. Enough damage, enough heartbreak. _

_And I don't want you to die for me either. I tell you that with venom in my voice and oh, you know I hate you. Good._

_But I want to be put in witness reallocation and you know that. So I have to go along with your crazy-ass plan._

_You have left. And I'm still wondering why you're doing this._

_My mind is going round in a loop- is it because of me? Do you want to save me so bad that you would risk your life?_

_Still?_

_No, this can't be right. You are doing this because you are a fucking __**cop **__and this is actually your job._

_And I'm still thinking of you as Fenton and not Kevin Ryan because I am a sucker for pain._

* * *

I have a very hard time processing what he is saying.

He is leaving, actually leaving, to be not Kevin Ryan, not my husband, but someone else.

He talks about a book. A book the boss of the Irish mob in Staten Island has, a book with all the contacts and transaction information of their drug dealing operations. 'The bible', he calls it.

He is going to go back to Staten Island as Fenton O'Connell- finally-out-of-hiding, and try to retrieve that book from that guy's house because apparently he was friends with him before.

Kevin, friends with an Irish mob-boss. A guy who is the main suspect of their current murder case.

And he is going to renew their friendship.

I ask why he has to do this. He is not in narcotics anymore, he is a homicide detective. This is dangerous- if the mob gets air of who he actually is, he is dead.

He says the mob-boss, Bobby S, might be their killer and he can look for proofs. Also, the police have wanted that bible for years now, and it's too good a chance to pass up.

'And', he hesitates before adding, 'I can't let the feds send Siobhan in there alone. She's gonna die.'

The blue in his eyes in another unknown shade.

So it is about her too.

He is risking his life to save hers.

And when it comes to her, he has a whole set of shades for the blue of his eyes which I have never, ever seen before.

I cannot bear to be near Kevin any more. I sit on the living-room couch, flipping TV channels mindlessly, seeing nothing. And when he picks up his bag and comes for a goodbye kiss, I cannot look at him.

He leaves silently, and I watch him go, my mind in turmoil.

* * *

_You're telling me…what? Bobby S is not the one who killed the other informant? That must mean someone else in the crew is. Someone knows a lot more than they're letting on, and we are not safe. Not you, not me. _

_And you're still gonna go to the pool game tonight? Are you suicidal or something?_

_But I have to unwillingly agree when you say none of us is gonna get another chance. So I tell you the combination of Bobby's safe._

_And then out of nowhere you're standing in front of me, you're looking into my eyes and telling me we're gonna get through this._

_And you look- feel- so much like the Fenton I knew that I find myself believing you._

_Yesterday when you walked in the bar it felt like a punch in my guts. It was like the moment I had been waiting for was finally happening, but it was happening all wrong. And nobody but the two of us knew that._

_You looked like Fenton, you walked like Fenton, you talked like Fenton. You had the old charisma too- I knew that when I saw how quickly you fooled Bobby into believing you. Like you fooled everyone else._

_You were Fenton. Except that you weren't. And you still aren't._

_This is shitty and confusing, and I want to hate you. If not for betraying everyone else (how can I, I'm doing the same thing), for betraying me. For leaving. And having another life. And getting __**married**__._

_But I can't._

_I can't hate you, and I fucking hate that I can't, because it would be so much easier._

_You're picking up Mr. Whiskers, talking about old days and memories and your blue eyes reflect something familiar, something I've felt for a long time, and I just can't take it anymore, I __**have**__ to ask-_

'_Was any of it real?'_

_And I don't see any Kevin Ryan. I see Fenton O'Connell when he says-_

'_What I felt was.'_

_I believe you. And it kills me, kills me, goddamnit, that right now, I can't just kiss you. I can't grab you by the collar of your jacket, devour your mouth with mine, clench the hair at the back of your head, wrap my legs around your waist…and after we are done, run away together, leaving everything and everyone behind._

_I can't do any of this because as much as you are like Fenton, you're not him. You're someone else. _

_You're someone else's._

_You break the spell, saying you have to go._

_I watch you leave. And curse myself for feeling things I don't wanna- __**can't**__- feel anymore, and curse you for making me feel those things again._

* * *

'Hey Beckett,' Javier pokes his head in the break room of the precinct, already on the phone with someone, 'I need to talk to you.'

Kate leaves. I sit alone, holding the coffee mug for warmth and support.

I can't reach Kevin. And coming down to the precinct I have discovered apparently, no one else can. No one knows where he is.

Kate says they are going to find out what is happening. But I cannot quite swallow the rising panic.

He was with the Irish mob, for God's sake.

Has anything happened to him?

No, no, no. I refuse to believe that.

I have been angry at him since he left one day ago.

Rather, I was angry. I am not angry anymore.

I had time to do a lot of thinking and I guess I accept the fact that there are secrets about him that I do not know. After all, he does not know absolutely everything about me either. Neither am I going to tell him.

And while my secrets are far less dramatic, my job has never asked me to go undercover and live with a bunch of criminals.

The woman, though.

She still bothers me.

Kevin was once in a relationship with her for a year. And it is impossible to fake it for that long a time. Especially for a guy like Kevin.

My husband was once in love with another woman.

That, in itself, could be put up with.

But what scares me is how they parted ways.

They were torn apart.

Kevin has obviously moved on, and I am not stupid enough to think that he is still in love with the woman and I am merely a replacement. No, he loves _me_.

But still, the lack of closure, combined with the fact that he is spending time with her after all these years…what if that stirs up some old feelings?

In the little talk I have just had with Kate, I could not help wondering aloud why Kevin was doing this. Does he think he has something to prove because of the pregnancy stuff?

And Kate said above all else Kevin wants to do the right thing. That is who he is, that is why he became a cop, and that is why I fell in love with him.

She was right. If there is one thing I know about Kevin- he does the right thing.

He did the right thing when he was Fenton O'Connell- fulfilling his job and leaving- even if that meant leaving behind someone he cared about (I cannot bring myself to think 'loved') and he is doing the right thing now.

Feelings are out of our hands, but he would not cheat on me.

I realize all that as I sit here thinking, and I forget my anger at the possibility that he might be in danger.

Because, after everything is said and done, I love Kevin. I love him like crazy, and I do not know what I would do without him.

In the end, I just want him to come home. When he does, I will not even want to know what happened when he was undercover. The previous time, or this time. I will just ask if he is going to be here for me, he will say yes and that will be enough.

Because I do not care what Fenton O'Connell did, or does. I care about my husband, Kevin Ryan.

* * *

_It wasn't supposed to be like this! I wasn't supposed to get caught, Bobby wasn't supposed to discover that I was a snitch, and I sure as hell wasn't supposed to stand in the middle of an empty dock at this time of night. _

_Empty except Bobby, Liam and Keane surrounding us and you, you pointing a gun at me._

_This shit is so deep I'm never coming up again. What's worse, I've dragged you down with me. And now Bobby S has said it's either you kill me or he'll kill both of us because of course you're a rat too if you still can't shoot me after this betrayal._

_You weren't supposed to be in this mess. But you are, because of me._

_And yes, I know it's because of me because right now your eyes are telling me things I'm sure you wouldn't be caught dead uttering anymore._

_And that's okay, because this is the end, and even though I'm crying I accept that._

_Isn't this just so fucking poetic and ironic and all those things, you- the one man I have ever loved- ending up being the one to shoot me? _

_I tell you to just do it, it's okay because it's not your fault._

_Then I close my eyes, waiting for the shot, the explosion, then nothing._

_Except that it never comes. Instead you're saying,_

'_Ah, I just can't do it Bobby.' And my eyes fly open._

_What are you __**doing**__?_

'_I just can't shoot her.'_

_Why? Why can't you shoot me, Fenton?_

'_However, I have no problem shooting you.' _

_Your gun is pointed at Bobby but the small flicker of hope disappears as soon as it appeared and my stomach drops like a rock again because Bobby and Liam are smiling and you discover the magazine of your gun is empty._

_But I watch with amazement as you confront them, tell them you're a cop and you're cool as a cucumber as you explain how you picked Liam's pocket, took his cellphone and called your partners. I see you shout out to them._

_But no one shows up. There is a trapped look in your eyes._

_Perfect, just perfect. Now we need a fucking miracle._

_And I can't believe my eyes when that miracle actually happens. Your partners suddenly appear as if out of nowhere, arrest everyone and what do you know, you even have that bible. Bobby is going away for life._

_It's all over, I'm free. You look at me and I try to smile, but all I'm thinking is- why didn't you just shoot me?_

* * *

Javier just called. Kevin is okay. He's gonna be home tonight.

The woman is going to be under witness protection with a new identity in a different city.

It's all over.

Relief courses through me, and I cannot wait for him to be home, because, well, now that he is my husband once more, I have some pretty exciting news for him.

I am not going to make it easy for him though. He still has to apologize, and promise me he will never go away again.

* * *

_I'm packing my bags and still thinking about you, because how can I not? _

_You left with your police team and tomorrow I am not gonna be here anymore. I want to see you again. _

_There's no reason for you to come see me again tonight but I'm still hoping you will._

_Because that's what I do. False hope, my specialty. Yeah._

_Except this time my hope proves to be true and you show up at the door, holding Mr. Whiskers, wearing a suit and overcoat, no more looking like Fenton._

_You want to say goodbye this time._

_Hearing that makes me feel like I'll never see you again, and you say I won't. New city, new name, new life. The new Siobhan isn't supposed to know Fenton, just like the new Fenton- or the real Kevin Ryan- wasn't supposed to know me._

_But you still did, even when you didn't need to. And again, I just __**have**__ to ask you-_

'_Why'd you do this? Risk your life for me?'_

_You give a sad smile, look into my eyes, and say 'You know why.'_

_And yes, I know why._

_You may have moved on, you may be leading a whole other life, you may be married and you may not be __**in love with**__ me anymore, but you still love me. Fenton O'Connell would kiss me when I'm dying and Kevin Ryan would hold my hand, but none would pull the trigger._

_And this is a screwed up world, because in a perfect one, I wouldn't have to make peace with that and let you go. In a perfect world, I would know, and be with, Kevin Ryan, not the ghost of him- Fenton O'Connell._

_I tell you I wish I'd met Kevin Ryan sooner, and you chuckle slightly. And no, I don't miss the fleeting regret in your beautiful blue eyes either._

_I can feel tears in my eyes and I don't want you to see me cry, so I plant a light kiss on your cheek. This is my silent goodbye._

_You know that._

_We look at each other for the last time before you leave._

_I sigh and go back to packing. _

_And you know what? _

_This goodbye that I'll treasure forever? It might also be my cure._

* * *

I am sitting on the sofa, waiting for him when the lock turns and he comes in. I stand up.

And the apology I was expecting- it comes as soon as he sees me.

'I'm sorry, Jenny. I know it wasn't fair to you…'

'Just tell me the truth.', I interrupt. 'Is this part of your life, this undercover part, over?'

He lets out a breath and smiles.

'Yeah, it is now.'

I have missed that smile, and I cannot wait to be in his arms, but I decide to give him a little hard time of his own before that.

'Good', I say, 'Because I need to know that you're gonna be here. I need to know that I can depend on you.'

He nods, the blue of his eyes earnest and God how I have missed the blue!

Even though I am happy, I am tearing up. 'Especially after the test results we got back from the fertility doctor.'

'Oh, no,', he is alarmed, 'Bad news?'

'Yeah.' My face is grim. 'We took all those damn tests for nothing.'

I pause. Kevin looks devastated.

'I'm already pregnant.'

He takes a second to process that. I let a smile creep up on my face.

'You're…you're pregnant!' I nod, he grins and laughs and suddenly I am so overwhelmingly happy, sharing this news with him, that I almost cannot take it.

He wants to pop the champagne but then we both remember of course we cannot- I am pregnant!

He pulls me in for a kiss. I kiss him back and yes, there might be an entire palette of blue that I will ever get to see in his eyes, but that is okay, because my own fair share is more than enough to last me a lifetime.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hello, everyone! Thanks for reviews, favs and follows, as always. This is chapter 13, then. References of 5X07- Swan Song, and basically the starting of season 6.**

**Technically this chapter wasn't necessary. But the past couple of chapters were pretty serious, and the next chapter is the going to be the last one, and you know which incident I'm going to base that on, don't you? It's not gonna be rainbows and unicorns, at least not until the last moment. So, I decided the story needed some fluff in between, and this chapter was written. Hope you enjoy! :)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Kevin and I are leaving the mall. We have just picked up the maternity clothes for me.

I have friends who had to plead with, and in some cases, bribe their husbands to go with them, but Kevin came willingly. And I am infinitely proud of him for that.

We are keeping up a conversation and I am window shopping for the new trendy clothes as I go- sigh-I can't wear them for another 6 months.

'Yeah, I miss Beckett.', he is saying in reply to my question, 'But, well, she was always destined for bigger things. Plus, bossing the new guy around is fun.'

'Uh-huh.', I say. 'It must be hard for Castle and her. Him in New York, her in DC…'

'Yeah.', Kevin agrees. 'Good thing Castle is a rich guy. He can fly out there any time he wants.'

'That's true. Though even if he does, Kate is not gonna be able to just hang out with him. She will be busy…anyway, I just hope the wedding is after the baby comes. I wanna wear a hot dress, you know. Like that one.'

I point to a beautiful- and obviously very expensive- dress at a shop window.

He eyes the dress. And the price tag.

'You do know that raising a baby is New York City is costly, right?'

I grimace. 'I know. But c'mon! Don't you want your wife to look hot?'

'As far as I'm concerned,' he gives one of his winning smiles, the blue of his eyes admiring, 'she looks plenty hot right now.'

Only we are in a mall, or I would go in full-on make out mode. Instead I kiss his cheek, and take his hand.

I open my mouth to say 'Let's go', but suddenly I hear loud whispers.

_'That's him, Tay, I'm telling you_!'

'_Ohmigosh, you're_ _right_!'

We both turn to that direction. Two girls, maybe 14 or 15, are looking right at us.

At Kevin, actually.

When they see us looking at them, they hesitate. Then the girl in tank top and skinny jeans with curly blond hair nudges her friend.

'You go talk to him.'

'What?' the dark-haired girl wearing a denim skirt and blouse says out of the corner of her mouth, eyes fixated on Kevin, 'You go!'

I look around to make sure that there isn't any celebrity standing behind us. An actor maybe? Or a pop-star?

No, nothing like that.

The girls are approaching us now. When they come near us, the blond girl takes a deep breath and says to Kevin-

'Are you detective Ryan?'

'Of NYPD?', her friend adds.

'Yes?', Kevin says, eyes switching between the girls, puzzled.

'Okaaay! I'm Carrie. This is my friend Taylor. And we're totally your fans!'

My jaw drops. Kevin's reaction is pretty much the same.

'My _fan_?'

'Yeah!' Taylor says brightly, almost bouncing with excitement. 'That documentary that you were in? The one on Holy Shemp?'

'We are that band's BIGGEST fans! And when James Swan died we were like, crying for days, and then the documentary came out, and it was so _cool _how you guys caught the killer…'

'I still can't believe it was _Zeke!..._'

'But then Buck joined the band and he's awesome…'

'And so _hot_…'

They see the lost look on Kevin's face and stop.

Then Carrie says, 'Point is, you were in that documentary. And when we saw it, we became your fan too!' she finishes with a squeal.

'My…fan?' Kevin is still having difficulty getting this. 'Why?'

'Because you're so _cute_!'

'And cool!'

'You catch bad guys for a living. Like, how awesome is that?'

'And your bromance with detective Esposito is just….woooh! So great!'

Both girls look as if they might just jump out of their skin in excitement.

Kevin is gaping at them.

And I do not know whether to laugh or be sorry for him.

'My _bromance? _With Esposito?'

'Yeah!', Taylor says, grinning. 'The chemistry is unbelievable!'

'_Chemistry?', _it's like Kevin has forgotten how to form sentences with more than one syllable, four at most.

'Yes!' Carrie says enthusiastically, gray eyes sparkling, 'We are his fan too, you know. Detective Esposito's, I mean.'

'But we like you more.', Taylor pipes in. 'We made a list.'

'_A list?_'

Two syllables again. And now I feel like if I try to talk, I will not do any better either.

'Yeah.' Carrie explains 'We made a list of things we liked and didn't like about you guys and you got more points.'

'Detective Esposito has muscles, cute smile and hot accent, for example. And he can sing.'

'But you have beautiful skin, cuter smile and you're just adorable.'

'Your suit-and-ties went against you.'

'But you were pretty cool in front the camera. He was being kinda weird.'

'We were a bit unfair, though. We gave you five points just for those super-hot blue eyes of yours. That's how you really won.'

'Also, his hair is too short. Yours, on the other hand, is longer and look amazing. And when you're kissing someone it's kinda…'

Taylor elbows Carrie hard, and she stops abruptly.

Then she looks at me, as if noticing me for the first time.

'You are…?', she says uncertainly.

I cross my arms.

'I am his wife.'

Both girls turn red.

'Uh, we….'

'Are just gonna go…'

'Carrie's mom must be looking for us…'

Taylor looks at Kevin and gives a big smile.

'It was so nice meeting you!' she holds out her hand for a shake.

Kevin stares at it. Then, as if coming out of a trance, he takes the hand.

'Yeah.', he swallows, 'Nice meeting you too. Thanks for…uh, being a fan.'

She seems reluctant to let go of Kevin's hand. When she finally does, Carrie immediately takes her place.

She stares into Kevin's eyes as he shakes hands with her, mumbling 'thanks'.

'My god, they are _so_ blue!', she breathes.

Then she catches me glaring at her, and pulls her hand away.

'Good bye, Mr. Ryan!' she says.

Taylor joins in. 'Yeah. Bye. Hope to see you again.'

'Maybe there'll be a murder in our area and you'll come to investigate?', Carrie says hopefully. Then she sees the look on his face and quickly says, 'Oh, no, I mean…'

Taylor grabs her arm and whisks her away.

Kevin turns to me, looking very much like he has just been whacked with a baseball bat, blue of his eyes fuzzy.

'I have no idea what just happened.' , he says.

'I'll tell you what happened.', I try to suppress the smile that is fighting its way to my lips, 'You have fangirls and the fangirls just drooled all over you!'

'Ew!', he looks disgusted, 'Those girls were children! And half my age!'

'I know.'

'Ugh!...you're laughing?'

Indeed I am.

'How can you be laughing?', he is perplexed, 'How can you be okay with this?'

I start walking.

'Okay with what? You and Javi's _chemistry_?' I silently shake with laughter.

He follows me.

'No! I mean this- these children being my fans and talking about me as if…ugh, this whole thing!'

'I am a little grossed out too, yes.', I admit. 'But I was a teen girl once. And I did my share of fangirling. I know the feel. It's cute, really.'

He grimaces.

'Cute. Do you mind not using that word again for…I don't know, a few years?'

I giggle at the look of his face, unable to answer him.

He watches with wary eyes.

'Are you sure you find it funny? Or is it your hormones going crazy, and at any second now you're gonna do an about turn and start yelling?'

I roll my eyes.

'Why would I start yelling? You're the one who's pissed.'

He grunts and mumbles something unintelligible.

We are out of the mall by now, and he is going to go look for a cab when it happens.

The baby.

The baby moves inside me.

I grab his arm.

'Kev', I whisper, one hand on my stomach.

'What?', he notices my hand and is immediately alert.

'What? What's wrong?'

'The baby just moved.' ,I whisper and I take his hand and place it on my stomach.

It is as if the little person inside me knows that his or her father wants to feel it too. As soon as Kevon touches my belly there is a movement again.

Kevin is still as a statue.

'Did it just…'

'Yeah.', I smile.

He smiles back.

Here we are, on the sidewalk, with strangers walking, talking, laughing around us, sharing this precious moment.

'That was…', he is at a loss for words.

'Cute?', I offer.

He pulls his hand away.

'Did you really have to? I was having a daddy-moment here.'

'I'm sure plenty more is about to come.'

He grins. 'Yeah.'

His eyes are softly shining like a bluish moon.

I quietly say, 'I hope the baby has your eyes.'


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hello! Thanks for the reviews! :)**  
**This is chapter 14. Reference of 6X11- Under Fire. And guys? This is the last chapter. I'll write and epilogue after this to wrap it up.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

When I was six, I had chicken pox. My whole body was covered in rashes, and they itched all the time. I did not stop crying for a week, because it hurt, also because I looked so ugly.

When I was nine, I fell off my bicycle and broke my ankle. I tried, but I could not stop the scream or the sobs that were escaping me when the doctor mended it. It hurt so bad that I drew blood biting my tongue.

Afterwards I had to be in bed rest for three months and somehow it was even worse- I got a cabin fever of some kind and was depressed all the time. I would cry on-and-off, for no apparent reason. All I knew was I could not get rid of the bleakness.

My grandfather passed away when I was fourteen. We had been close, and after that I kind of shut off the world around me. I would sit on my bed, staring off to space, doing nothing, all the while feeling the impossibly painful and empty void inside of my chest.

I got my heart broken at eighteen. I was in love with my high school sweetheart, and I thought he was in love with me too. But right before graduation he told me he was actually in love with someone else- had been for a while. I do not know which hurt more, the break up or the feeling of being rejected, being replaced. I cried myself to sleep every night, feeling like things would never be okay again, that this was rock bottom. That it was impossible to feel worse.

And yet, I would take each one of these incidents and relive them for a thousand times- the pain, the hurt, the agony- everything- if it meant what is happening right now would not happen.

That the nightmare I am in right now, is just that- a nightmare.

It does not feel real. The leaping flames engulfing the collapsing building, the plumes of smoke, the fly car with flashing lights, firemen running around busily, and me watching all that from the inside of a paramedic ambulance, having contractions more and more frequently.

It does not feel real that the baby is coming, and Kevin is not here.

He promised. He has never broken a promise to me.

And yet he is not here. He is inside.

Inside the burning building.

And this is real. I am trapped in the worst nightmare possible, and it is real.

Lanie is beside me, holding my hand, trying to get me through the contractions. But I do not even feel the physical pain.

I wish I could, it would be much, much less painful to concentrate on that instead of what I am thinking of.

All I can think of.

Kevin.

When he did not answer his phone when I called him to test our system (I am three days past my due date) in the evening, I called Javier. When I found his phone to be turned off, I called Kate.

Kevin is not answering his phone, has she heard from him? No, she has not. Have I? No, I have not either.

And she told me to stay calm- something has happened.

'What?', I said, already sitting down because my knees were weak.

Kevin and Javier were investigating an arson homicide. They had gone to a factory in Arcadia Lane, and there was an explosion inside it. The building caught fire.

With them inside it.

And no one knew if they were alive.

I do not know how I managed to move at all, let alone find a cab and come down here, but I did it. The contractions started in the cab.

I was insanely screaming at a guy at the barricade when Lanie found me.

Kate said I should not be here, Rick said I should go to a hospital.

No way in hell I was going to listen to any of them.

I am not leaving without Kevin.

I told Kate, 'If he doesn't make it out, if this is it, I need to be here.'

I have been in the ambulance ever since.

When I said that to Kate, the not-making-it-out part, I did not really believe it. That was why I even managed to utter the words.

He has to make it out. He has to.

He cannot leave me.

He would not leave me. He would not leave our baby without a father.

But time is ticking by, and he is still not here. And I heard something about the firemen pulling out because it is too dangerous in there.

I am trying to ignore that, I am trying to be hopeful, to still believe, but it is becoming harder by the minute.

And I am very aware when the minutes are passing by- my whole body is a clock.

Suddenly Kate shows up.

'What, what is it?', I ask desperately, chanting 'Please let her tell me Kevin is okay, please let her tell me Kevin is okay' in my mind.

'It's him', she says, holding out her phone.

'It's Kevin?', I sit up and take the phone from her, finding it hard to believe.

'Is it you? Is it really you?', I say with a shaking voice.

'Yeah, yeah, it's me, beautiful!', his voice comes over the phone and I feel liquid relief course through my veins, intense and delicious.

It does not last long.

'Where are you? Baby's coming.'

'I'm inside.'

'Inside…', just like that the perfect moment is gone.

I look around, not willing to believe that he is still not found and rescued, half expecting him to be inside this ambulance, right here with me.

But again, this is real.

And every molecule in my body, my being wants to break down and cry, cry, cry for the rest of their existence.

Or maybe just stop existing.

'I…I'm sorry, I know I promised but…' his voice is breaking,he coughs, 'I'm not gonna be there.'

'Don't say that.' I beg him, trying to stop the tears, 'Please don't say that.'

'Sorry.', he says.

I gasp as another contraction comes, but I barely feel it.

I am flooded by flashbacks.

Our first date. Our first kiss. And the second.

Us getting drunk in a bar and singing at the karaoke machine.

Us in a dark staircase landing, half naked, devouring each other.

Him asking me to move in. Me ripping his shirt off in reply.

Him kneeling down before me, proposing.

Me walking down the aisle, and him looking at me, so happy, so happy.

'I love you more than anything.', Kevin says, 'Remember that. Always remember that.'

Our marriage.

How I do not do anything alone now, how I depend on him, how we do everything together, how I cannot survive without him.

'Kevin, please,' , I am crying, I am feeling like the fire, the burning is inside me, 'No, don't leave me!'

He gives a dry, humorless chuckle.

'Oh, I don't wanna…'

My baby is not going to see its father. My baby who does not have a name yet…

'We need a name.', I swallow, finding a grain of strength, for the sake of our child.

'For the baby. We need to do that together.'

He is panting, like there is not enough oxygen in the air. I almost lose it when I realize that must be the case.

'If it's a boy,', I know what he is going to say even before he says it, 'Javier.'

I nod.

'And if it's a girl?'

'Sarah Grace, after your grandmother.'

So, this is it. This is all we can do together for the baby. The rest I have to do without him.

And there is only one thing left to say.

I have said a thousand times, I have thought it a million times, it never stopped being true. And it never will.

'I love you so much, Kevin.', I whisper, barely managing the words to get past the lump in my throat, 'I love you.'

'I lve u t..' his voice is interrupted by static.

'Kevin?'

No response.

'Kevin?'

Only static now.

'Kevin!'

And then nothing.

He is gone.

I return the phone to Kate, my vision hazy with tears, body wracked by sobs.

And then it is all blurred. I tell Lanie I don't wanna do this without Kevin, she soothes me and then I am giving birth to my child.

My body registers pain now, excruciating, but all I see before my eyes is another time, flashbacks and memories.

Kevin and I, our life together.

Small things, just talking, laughing, walking together, just holding hands, just sitting in comfortable silence with his arms draped around me.

And the blue of his eyes.

Like ocean, like midnight, like Double Blue, like a clear spring, like twinkling stars, like the sky, like ice and fire.

Hundreds of shades- alight and dark, brilliant and dull, sharp and pale, glowing and dim.

Each with a memory.

The blue is my lifeline, my harbor, my home.

Without the blue, I do not know who I am anymore.

So I close my eyes and pray for a miracle.

One miracle happens.

Lanie gives my baby to me. It is a girl.

Sarah Grace. So beautiful. She has blond hair, like me.

And she has her father's blue eyes.

For a moment I forget the pain I am in.

And then, before it can return with a cruel, renewed force, impossibly, incredibly, unbelievably, the other miracle happens too.

I see Kevin.

He is standing right in front of me!

I cannot believe my eyes.

He scrambles up, kneels beside me and yes, yes I believe it now because he is here and we are kissing.

I am kissing Kevin, he is kissing me, he is here.

Kevin is alive, he is here. He is here. He is here.

'You're both beautiful.', he says, looking at our daughter.

'Kevin.'

He looks at me. I smile, still teary.

'I'd like you to meet Sarah Grace.'

But it is like he does not want to look away, does not want to take his eyes off me. It is like he does not know whom to look at, whom to see and memorize first.

He tears away his eyes from my face and looks at the little girl in my arms.

His shirt is dirty, his hair is messed up, he smells of smoke, his face is covered with soot, but his blue eyes sparkle like twin jewels as he strokes her head.

Then he puts his arms around both of us and buries his head on my shoulder.

He is here, and Kate and Rick are holding each other, and Javier is standing with his arm around Lanie- his face is cut but he is okay.

All the people I love are okay.

And when this all started I could not have imagined saying this at the end of it, but right here, right now, with my husband and my daughter, is the happiest moment of my life.


	15. Epilogue

**A/N: Hello! Thanks for the reviews. :)**

**This is it then, the epilogue. I can't believe I wrote 15 chapters in less than two weeks! I am normally a very, very lazy person. But I guess I needed more Kevin Ryan in my life, which drove me. :)**

**English is not my mother language and I'm from a culture that is polar opposite to the US's, so for any mistake regarding those, I'm sorry.**

**I have a couple more story ideas, maybe I'll be back very soon with a new one. Until then. :)**

My life sucks.

'Sucks' as in 'it's-absolutely-no-good-very-bad-why-am-I-alive' sucks.

As if my mom and dad fighting all the time and driving me crazy wasn't enough.

As if my grades slipping and my mood swings wasn't enough.

As if my cranky grandma visiting and me having to not only be nice to her, but also share my room with her wasn't enough.

Of course I had to break up with my boyfriend too.

It happened after school, and then I kinda stormed off. I didn't feel like going home, so I'm walking around aimlessly.

Somehow I've ended up in the Central Park. It's not a sunny day, the park is relatively less crowded.

I am ready for a talk to my best friend Alicia, but she's in her piano lesson right now.

Just great.

Suddenly the sound of a kid's high-pitched laughter pierces my ears. Moments later I see the source, and I wrinkle my nose in disgust.

A family, having a picnic- the blanket, the food baskets, 3 generations- the whole package.

No sun out, and people still insist on being all cliché and sickeningly...family.

The grandpa of the family looks like he is right out of a comic book or animation movie where he was the snow-king or something. He is a small man with soft snow-white hair, pale skin and shocking blue eyes. He sits with his arms draped around the grandma- a smaller woman with glasses, streaks of dishwater blond in her gray hair.

The petite woman in her late twenties with beautiful pixyish features must be their daughter, because she has the same blue eyes and blond hair. The guy she's leaning on- cute, curly brown hair, brown eyes- has to be her boyfriend or husband. No, husband- I notice the rings.

And the noise and the laughter is coming from a little boy with the same brown hair and eyes of his father and same delicate features of his mother- he is running around the blanket chasing a butterfly. The whole family is watching him do it with smiles in their faces, like it's the most impressive thing they have ever seen.

'Maybe you should calm him down, Sarah.', the grandma is worried now. 'What if he falls?'

The woman rolls her eyes.

'Don't worry, mom. He's used to it.'

'I can't believe how naughty Eric is.', the husband says, shaking his head, 'When I was a kid, I was super-quiet.'

'Oh, I can help with that.', the grandpa grins, and suddenly looks twenty years younger, 'Sarah wasn't.'

'In fact,', the old woman pipes in, 'She rarely ever stayed in one place for more than five minutes.'

'Except when she was sleeping.'

'And that would be quite a feat, getting her to sleep.'

'Mom', the woman rolls her eyes again, 'I'm 27 and you're still complaining about that?'

'Complaining?' the woman blinks innocently, 'I'm just remembering the good times.'

Husband and grandpa burst out laughing.

I realize I'm eavesdropping- they can't see me because I'm behind a tree- but I can't stop listening.

There's something wrong with this picture.

When my little brother wouldn't go to sleep, my dad and mom fight.

Well, lately they have been fighting most of the time, about most of the things, but it's definitely worse when Jesse keeps them up.

And this is about the only time I can't blame them much. That kid just would-not-go-to-sleep.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure they're not gonna be here 27 years later talking about it all happily.

So how come this old people can do that?

How come anyone can do that?

'Remember the time when', grandma is saying to her husband, 'she had typhoid? We were up for, like, 72 hours straight…'

'And we drank a million cups of coffee, which resulted in you starting to chatter non-stop. My god, I think I went a little deaf that day.'

'Yeah, at least the coffee helped me. You still walked like a zombie and you ran into my most favorite- and not to mention super expensive- Chinese vase and broke it.'

The grandpa grins. 'Sorry, baby.' He kisses his wife on the forehead.

My jaw drops.

That is actually a happy memory?

The woman, Sarah, has finally calmed her son down. The kid is eating a cookie now.

'Well,', she says, 'Travis here', she gestures to her husband, 'Would love some lessons. He just doesn't know how to function when he's sleepy. He's tried, with disastrous results. Remember the thing with our honeymoon?'

Travis holds up his hands in resignation.

'I knew I was never gonna live it down', he says, sighing.

'Of course you weren't!' Sarah says, 'Just because you were sleepy you called the wrong hotel and when we arrived in Barcelona 5 in the morning we didn't have any place to stay!'

'Technically, we had a place to stay. I just didn't know which hotel I'd called.'

Wow. Just wow. If that happened with me, I would probably break up with the guy.

Sarah shakes her head. 'And it you didn't find it suspicious at all that they just took the call and said 'okay' and didn't want any down payment, any document, nothing? A five-star hotel would never do that.'

'I was _sleepy_! And we still had a beautiful time there, if we don't count the embarrassing conversation with the manager of the hotel where we thought we'd be staying and the hunt for a place where we could really stay at the crack of dawn.'

'Hmph, I have to grudgingly agree.', she grins. 'In fact, the camping wasn't in our plans, but it turned out to be the best thing!'

These people are unbelievable.

'We should probably eat and head back.', says the grandma, 'It's getting cloudier.'

'Yeah.', says Travis, 'The weather forecast said it would be sunny, though.'

'You actually believe weather reports?', Sarah says incredulously, 'Why am I married to you?'

Grandma and grandpa are enjoying the banter, laughing silently.

'Uh, because of a little thing called love, I would like to think?'

'Yeah.' Sarah says, 'That was my undoing.' She smiles and leans in to kiss her husband.

And when they are kissing, grandma and grandpa share a look, then grandpa mouths 'I love you' and gives his wife a smooch.

I walk away.

27 minutes later, I call Leo.

I thought he wouldn't pick up, but he does. His holographic image is standing right in front of me.

'Hey.', he says quietly.

'Leo. I…'

I take a deep breath. 'I'm sorry.'

He says nothing.

'I know I said some bad stuff. I know I said we were wrong for each other. That you believed in people, in…happiness', I wince, 'rainbows and daisies' were my actual words, 'and I didn't. You said if people tried hard enough, and they were in love enough, a lifetime of happiness is not impossible. And I disagreed. And said you sounded like a hopeless romantic. But…', I sigh, 'maybe I don't disagree anymore.'

'Really?', he tries to sound nonchalant but I hear the surprise. 'What changed your mind?'

'Just a family in the park. I was walking, and I saw them, and they were so happy…I thought that kind of happiness only existed in the movies, you know. Like, with mom and dad going through a bad time, and Alicia's dad leaving her mom, and Nick's mom cheating on his dad…I…I was never really convinced.'

'But now you are?', Leo raises an eyebrow.

'Well, maybe not entirely…but it's not impossible. I'm just a high-school kid, and I have a lot to figure out, but I think I can be convinced now. And no,' I say, seeing the look on his face, 'I'm not telling you to take me back. I'm just trying to say sorry, and that if I ever have the luck to find someone amazing like you again, someone who actually believes, I will try, really try to find that happiness.'

'Really?', he asks.

'Really.', I say.

'Then Hazel,', he says, a smile playing around his lips, 'Maybe we should give it another shot.'

Suddenly my eyes are tearing up.

'You serious?'

'Very.'

I grin. 'I promise to make it up to you.'

'Can't wait.' ,he winks.

'See you at your place in twenty minutes'

'Gotcha.'

I disconnect the call and pretty much start running.

And I thank the family in my mind, the family that has changed everything.


End file.
